The Man Seat

I’m willing to wager a dollar to a dime that 50% of all relationships inched thisclose towards dissolving over the past three days. No, they aren’t breaking up because he went out with his friends while she entertained the family or she invited her stealing ass cousin Michael after he told her not to and now her tennis bracelet is missing. Nope, they are on the verge of breaking up because she absolutely lost her mind the moment everything within a 75 mile radius went on sale!

That’s right, Black Friday and the subsequent days do as much damage as the low standard having chick he meets in a bar or the brother that listens and talks to her, but it’s been unchecked for years now. Well I’m pulling the covers back on that lie, because we need to discuss this plague in our relationships. Fellas all over the country were subjected to the torture of dragging through the mall as she whizzes through store after store leaving you in her dust, exchanging looks of pity from the other unfortunate men on the way to their own execution.

I don’t understand why women take so long to shop. Seriously, do you have to look at every rack in the store…twice? Leaving us poor saps staring into space, wondering around a store that offers not a thing for us. I can understand spending 25 minutes in Victoria’s Secret, we’re both making use of anything purchased in there, but Forever 21? It’s torture, pure hell! Especially when we’re carrying bags and can’t even find a man seat.

Yes, the man seat, the answer to every man’s shopping experience. I truly believe stores should add seating for the guys who have the misfortune of spending quality time in the mall. Each of these bug stores should offer 5-7 seats in a designated area for the fellas, fully equipped with comfy seats and a flat screen TV. I’m not asking for a 50’, but a little 27” will do. Hell, throw in those massage chairs they have placed all over the mall, I’d pay a few bucks to get the kinks worked out while she spends an arm and a leg to barely keep her arms and legs covered.

I looked in the eyes of dozens of men over the weekend and they all had the same look…”Help me!” as they sat on mannequin stands, window ledges, played musical chairs for the limited seats in certain stores and impatiently looked at their watches, Facebook, Twitter, let the kids run wild and their significant others smiled and patiently looked for the perfect shirt to match two pairs of new shoes they have yet to purchase. Ladies, you’re really oblivious to our discomfort while shopping, until we say something like, “The game is on” and that’s when you know it’s time to bust a move.

I’m not even gonna talk about shoe shopping, that’s a whole other adventure, something much darker. So for everyone out this holiday season spending, I’ll be the guy walking around with the folding chair, tweeting my shopping adventures with her…

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About Last Night

 

Last night I touched a dream wide awake and it shook me to my core

Unexpected but unmatched in my memory, an indelible smile left on my visage

Last night felt like the night I’ve waited my entire life for

Knowing we needed to stop, but in my mind, we’ve gotten started…finish

*****************************************************************************

Last night I tasted heaven and thanked God for every ounce of your being

Then I prayed for your return with an unbound heart

Last night, you were the only star worth seeing

Even if the moon was just right or the heavens decided to part

*****************************************************************************

Last night I was hardened by the softness of your skin

But my hardness dulled by your softness within

Last night is something I want to do every now and again

You know, like right now and again and again and again

*****************************************************************************

Last night I wished forever and saw it in your eyes

Felt it in your kiss and in your heart saw the reason

Last night I wanted to spend a lifetime between your thighs

Because no one dreams of making it to heaven and leaving 

*****************************************************************************

Last night my dream left me with a warning

And thinking about the wrongs that feel so right

Last night had me writing poetry at 5:30 in the morning

About last night…

The Promiscuous Bisexual

There seems to be this notion floating around that all bisexual women can’t keep it in their pants. As if we’re choosing to be bisexual just so that we can have the best of both worlds, because we’re indecisive and/or because we’re greedy. Why isn’t it just that as bisexual women we are attracted to men and women? Why isn’t it that we can connect with both men and women? Every bisexual woman doesn’t cheat, just as every bisexual woman isn’t going to be willing to have a threesome with you.

I can admit that when I was younger and exploring my sexuality, I was a bad girl. But I can’t honestly place the blame on my bisexuality. I’m a free spirit. I’m open-minded. I like to have my way. And if you can’t tame me, I’ll walk over you. It’s not a good thing, but I know this. I’m aware of this. *gasp* did she say “tame me”? Yes, yes I did. I’ll get into roles and domination/submission another time. Close your mouth.

I can only blame my promiscuity and inability to remain faithful on myself and immaturity. When I was younger, I found any and every reason that could be used as an excuse for my behavior. I felt entitled to both. Oh, you don’t like both? Not my problem. If you did, you could have your cake and eat it too. But since you don’t, you better be faithful to me. Nothing about any of that was right, but I believed it.

Couple that immaturity with my incredibly high sex drive? Recipe for disaster.

I have ruined plenty of relationships because of this false sense of entitlement. I wasn’t able to put my wants aside and understand how this could be hurtful to my partner. I convinced myself that this made sense and that it was right. So either you deal with it or go. Some stayed. They probably shouldn’t have, because that just further encouraged the behavior. I can do this and you’re not going anywhere? I didn’t learn the lesson. Time and time again.

I was a cheater, a big cheater. And I felt absolutely just in my actions. There were other things feeding into this part of my life, and you know what? The bisexuality only played a part in the fact that I was willing to cheat with men and women.

I just needed a wake-up call.

I got that and then some. I was madly in love; I was going to marry her. But that wasn’t enough for me to grow up. I felt it wasn’t hurting anyone. We were open about it, we talked about it, she knew about it. So, how can you be mad if you haven’t said anything to stop the behavior? You’re on the other side of the country. I needed to feel that closeness. I didn’t want anyone else’s love, or commitment. I just needed to feel someone. And not one of those people took away my love for her. But she decided she couldn’t deal. She wanted to call it quits. I never hurt the way that I hurt when she took her love away from me. It’s true that you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. I didn’t realize that she was more important to me than a few moments in between someone else’s sheets. I didn’t say that I didn’t know this. I knew. But it didn’t sink in. She stayed through so much. It just seemed okay. I know now that it’s not okay (if the person you’re with isn’t okay with it.)

That was it for me. That was that moment in my life that made me step back and look at myself and what I was doing. It was that period in my life that I learned about myself and learned that my actions don’t only affect me.

And that’s a lesson a lot of people don’t learn or accept, ever. Those are those people who are acting twenty-ish when they’re sixty, married for thirty years with five kids. I pity those people.

I lost her.

And this was one of those times when crying, begging, pleading, time, NOTHING could change the outcome. It took a while but I got over it. I was bitter for a while. But I didn’t allow that bitterness to encourage more promiscuity, more bad decisions. The cycle ended with her.

Cheating isn’t about you. It’s about your partner and your relationship.

You have to think about what you’re doing and what this could possibly do to what you have at home. You have to weigh what you want right now against what you have. You have to weight what you want for this moment against what you want forever. If what you stand to lose is more than what you stand to gain, stay your ass at home. If what you stand to gain is more than what you stand to lose? Just end the relationship.

Cheating is different in every relationship. Whatever you two decide is unacceptable for your relationship, it is now your duty to honor and respect that. It’s simple; don’t enter into something with someone if you don’t agree with what their standards for cheating are. Don’t promise yourself to someone if you can’t give them you.

I can’t speak for others, only myself. I was a cheater. And that was because I WAS A CHEATER, not because I was bisexual. If I wasn’t bisexual, I’d only had cheated with men.

A cheater is a cheater, regardless of sexuality. I know way more heterosexual cheaters than I do homo- or bisexual cheaters. Chew on that.

As Seen on TV

Everything you see on TV is not for you to try...

Some people should not be allowed to watch television. Seriously. Many of you are too easily consumed by what you see on the idiot box and I’m the wrong person to leave responsible with certain information. For instance, a few years back there was a young lady that after watching an episode of “Sex and the City” thought it was a good idea to call me to ask to cum on her face because it was good for the skin.

Once upon a time Sunday was reserved for the strip club. I would eat buffalo wings, drink vodka and then meet the rest of my crew and hold court in our private booth. However, on this particular Sunday we decided not to roll, so I was available when she called. After laughing hysterically for a few minutes, the vodka kicked in and I agreed to participate in her little experiment. Within five minutes my doorbell was ringing and thirty seconds later she was on her knees working to get the moisturizing cream to exfoliate.

This was not the first time she had found herself in this position, as the previous two years held plenty of late-night encounters between the two of us when horniness took over the night. However she was on a mission this time, I doubt she stopped at the two stop signs that separated our homes and seemed intent on getting my man milk out of me even faster. There was no hello, no small talk, just her working me out of my underwear and into her mouth as she rooted for a premature ejaculation.

Well…five hours of vodka prevented that and for the next 35 minutes she used her hands, tried relaxing her jaws, sat in a chair, used my hand and finally it came, well I came. She was creeped out by the prospect, but took it in the face like a champ. Right on her cheek! I’m not sure if I was a little backed up or just a little excited, but it was a helluva load that she was able to rub in and work around most of her face.

The entire time I’m asking myself, “Does she know she has to have this done every day to actually work?” I’m not sure she really understood that it was a process that would take multiple applications to gauge if it was working or if she thought I had super sperm and would clear her skin magically overnight. Either way, the next night when I texted for her nightly facial (pun intended), she mentioned something about Proactiv and I mentioned something about her being stupid and we never saw each other again. She didn’t act too crazy when I told her that I wasn’t kicking it with her anymore, because of the matter of a photo or two of her little experiment…wonder if she’ll read this and notice the picture?

A Miscalculated Arrangement

A 5 hour drive
To a 4 mile home
A 3 day wait
And the 2 of us
Are finding it hard to meet
At least 1 time
As planned 15 days ago

There has to be a formula
That someone can form for us
To increase the value
Of our present state’s declining view
All of the rearrangements of schedules
And the “I can’t wait to see yous”
Seem to be going to waste
On premises of good use

I mean
In a 2 mile radius
Why should time have to
Wait for us
We’ve waited long enough
Plus a little more
To arrive at this point
We’re on 2 different planes
Unable to think straight
I’m feeling like the world’s on our shoulders
But wait…..

Accidents happen
In fractions of seconds
Some say sh*t happens
I say
Life happens
What will be
Will be
No matter what happens

I’m feeling pretty vexed
Pretty concave…..yes
But our slopes still slip
Towards the same vertex…..blessed

I think
We’re just going about this problem wrong
Relying on shortcuts
When in reality
The answer to our division is…..
Is long

Geometrically speaking
Things’ll shape up
In due time
Our hearts’ll come together
The stars’ll align
And with the assistance of each other’s compliments
We’ll be all right

So Far To Go: 10 Tips On How To Keep Your Boo

Get your notepads ladies...

 

Speaking from a man’s perspective, there’s nothing worse than going into the grocery store and seeing a bunch of Women’s magazines with ideas, tips, or secrets on how to keep a man, especially when the author is some chick that probably hasn’t had a date since the beginning of the recession. As far as this “love thing” goes, I consider myself an expert in amore. It is one of the most fulfilling experiences your soul will ever produce and many of us will fall victim to a myriad of emotions that has nothing to do with love’s essence.

Many of my close friends happen to be women and by relating to their flaws and beauty gives me a clearer understanding of their dynamics. I was raised by my mother and surrounded by aunts,cousins,daughters,and an array of lovers. Some of these women that I love so deeply, are repeating the same cycle and expecting different results. The desire to control the geographical landscape of a relationship; have left many women mentally and emotionally exhausted. Many women love men they can control and hate him when he cannot lead.

I am eager to hear your feedback and encourage you to share this blog post with your friends and co-workers. I expect some of my views and opinions to be dissected and contested from women that are searching for answers in their love lives. I’m also considering writing a book and hope that these tips are met with an open mind. *Smooches* ~Krusher

10 TIPS ON HOW TO KEEP YOUR BOO

Tip #1 Stop the Nagging: I cannot express this tip enough, if you keep nagging a brother you will definitely run him to the streets and into the arms of a woman who doesn’t.

Tip#2Compliment Him: Many men will never tell you that he likes compliments just as much as you do. Don’t be surprised if he looks at you real suspect the moment you tell him that his ass should model.

Tip#3Listen and Shut the Hell Up: Hate to be blunt but its true, most men will shut down if he feel that he cannot trust you with his thoughts and feelings. Some brothers will rather spend half his check in a sweaty strip club and pay a half-naked woman who is willing to listen and get paid  doing it.

Tip#4Stop bringing up the past: There’s nothing worse than being married or in a long-term relationship for almost a decade and some change and she decides to stab you with the chest with an indiscretion from the 20th century. If you tend to gravitate to this form of mediocrity than be prepared for a love meltdown eventually.

Tip#5Encourage him: If a brother is trying to find a job to keep himself from hugging the block and going back to prison; the last thing he needs is for you to be selfish and ignore his plight. Being a black man is the world’s most dangerous occupation in the world.

Tip#6Pray Together: In a time of economic despair and spiritual unrest, prayer is the answer to life’s day to day challenges. Revealing this virtue to your man is a priceless in his eyes and heart. Remember “a family that prays together stays together”.

Tip #7Be Adventurous: Don’t get all angry because your man has that secret stash of porn in the closet in the old Nike boxes. Yes, men are visual creatures and you cannot change how God wired us. Do us a favor and change your swag, be spontaneous. Men don’t care where you take his dick out, so be creative.

Tip #8Forgive Him: You might think by holding a grudge you are making him pay and in fact you are allowing him to feel even worse about his grievance and in the future he will stick to lying instead of being honest like you often ask him for.

Tip #9Give Him Space: If a brother comes home from work and the first thing he does is head to the fridge to grab a beer that doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. If he likes to unwind while watching the game what harm is he causing? Why should you be the only one that requires space? If he has a man cave, leave him there.

Tip #10Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Have you ever wondered why some men are attracted to younger women? No it isn’t always about their bodies all of the time ladies. We love their easy-going personalities and enthusiasm. Combine that with a dash of smiles and giggles you can best believe that he is going to find her attractive. So lose the attitude before you lose your boo.

Bonus Tips:

  • Never divulge your sexual details to friends. I can’t express this one enough, due to the fact that you women absolutely enjoy challenges. I know the juicy tidbits from your bestie has your clit throbbing for her thug, however would you feel the same way if the tables were turned?
  • Keep family out of your business. Unless it involves domestic,sexual, and mental abuse. If you decide to remain loyal to a man who commits these atrocities, you are already dead. Family will always remains biased and loyal to your emotions at the moment of despair.

Te Amo Mucho!

Krusher Kronkite 

The Love Czar

http://www.mediaanarchist.wordpress.com

twitter.com/KrusherKronkite

Two if by Sea

This is my communiqué to the blushing bride-to-be…

Dear Ms. Lady-Girl,

First, I’d like to congratulate you on your recent engagement and wish you luck with your marriage. I am pleased that you have found someone with whom you’re willing to spend the rest of forever and desire that you guys make it that long. However, there are a few things that I wanted to share with you that you wouldn’t allow me to say when we spoke.

When I saw the pictures of your fiancé proposing to you on Facebook I was genuinely excited for you and loved the expressions on your face as the pictures provided a replay of his asking of your hand in marriage. When you decided to e-mail me the entire assortment of pictures from that evening, I was still cool, because I figured you just wanted to share. Then you called to share the news with me and though I thought that was a bit much, I understood that you’re extremely happy at this time and you just wanted folks to share in your joy.

But the contents of that call left a sour taste in my tummy and really changed my opinion about you. Once the small talk subsided, you dove right in and your exuberance was apparent, also were the intentions of your call. You didn’t call to share; you called to gloat, which I found to be funny and disturbing. The call you made should’ve been reserved for those bitter chicks you associate with or someone who actually gives a @#$%, not the one they refer to as Teef. Even when you said that you had found your happiness and I was still on my way to being a lonely old man I let you get your rocks off, because I’m a nice guy like that.

No more Mr. Nice Guy…

The truth is, the three weeks we were kicking it were cool and in fact, I had a good time reconnecting with you and getting to know you better. But like I told you in our third conversation, we were two ships sailing in opposite directions, you were looking to fall in love and marry, I was reconfiguring the concept of a relationship and emotionally unavailable at the time to provide whatever it was you were looking for. But, we enjoyed each other’s company and spent a significant amount of time together.

I admit we fell victim to horny once or twice; vodka, circumstance and opportunity tends to make that happen occasionally, but even when I said we’d gone too far, you kept pushing for me to make you the lady in my life. I actually considered it during timeout of a Lakers game, but then Kobe hit a jump shot and the fleeting thought became “what was I thinking about again”?

The reality of the matter was and maybe is I could never be the man for you, because the man you need in your life needs prescription writing capabilities, because I believe you’re mentally unstable. During those three weeks, I started to notice erratic behavior and observe your actions to be beyond eccentric and bordering on psychosis. So I decided to step off before your still waters got too deep and wished you nothing but the best and hoped that in your journey you would discover what was happening in your head and seek the answers that would help you.

Our ships had set sail and my compass navigated me towards self-actualization, while yours led you into the arms of a man that has decided to love you for who you are forever and a day. I applaud the two of you, but calling me a year after we shared 19 days to put your engagement ring in my face, is not cool and pretty much confirms my thoughts of the delusional waters you tend to cruise in from time to time. To answer your supposition, yes I’m still alone, but far from lonely, but I know my ship is coming in one day. So, the next time you decide you have something you would like to say to me, put a message in a bottle baby…

Simply Astounding

We aren’t
But will
Nothing’s certain
But still
I replay in my mind
That one day we will

Giving hope
To a cause
That often
Gives me pause
I am certain
That she holds
What I know
To be the lead I need
To succeed
And prosper

I’m so interested
In her
That this
Is about her
Not her body
Or her curves
But
These words being served
To accentuate
Her mind
Her worth
Her gift
Her curse
Her revealation to me
That she would offer the chance to be
“Her”

I would write Love on her arms
And have her wrap them around me
Embrace her with relief
All the while searching
She has found me
Wow………. simply astounding

I would Love to grow old
Without growing alone
Share a world with another
That is already not my own
Settling her heart with my soul
Without mind of calling her body my home

My elemental purpose
Would be to Love her past her hurt
Introduce her to happiness
And remind her of how glad I am
That she is
However
Until I receive my confirmation
She shall remain nameless

I would write Love on her arms
Have her wrap them around me
Embrace her with relief
All the while searching
She has found me
Wow………. simply astounding

Real (Wo)Men Appreciate Real Women

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

Bruno Mars

People, male and female, are often surprised at how I talk about women and my attraction to them. Women are amazing. I love them (well, most of them). I love the way they smell. I love the way they feel. I love the way they walk. I love the way they get ready to go out. I love the way they look when they’re asleep. I love the way their bodies feel  pressed against mine. I love to see them dressed up in heels. I love to see them wear just a T-Shirt.

Women are amazing.

God was on his game when he created us. When he created our bodies. When he created our curves. When he created our voices. I will forever be grateful for his most intrinsically designed creatures: women. One of my ex-girlfriends had the most incredible body. I swear I felt so lucky that it was all mine. We weren’t allowed to wear clothes in the house. Mostly for my benefit. I just liked looking at her. I’d watch her shower, I’d watch her lotion, I’d watch her pour a glass of water. I just…I still smile to myself thinking about her. I’m happy she allowed me to photograph her once. I still peak at that contact sheet from time to time.

Some women don’t realize that their bodies are beautiful. It’s not always about objectification. Though I do have a difficult time when I’m expected to side with the ladies when it comes to strippers and distasteful music videos (I can’t! I love to look at ’em too!). But really, it’s not always about that. Some of us need to realize just how beautiful our bodies are. The curve of our silhouettes, the roundness of our butts, the width of our hips, the fullness of our lips, the shape of our breasts, the softness of our skin, the look of our legs in heels- beautiful. And it breaks my heart that some of us don’t see that! How can you not!? LOOK AT YOURSELF! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

I need to just go around shaking y’all, because it’s incredible that some of y’all just can’t see it! Do me this favor.

1) Take a shower and wash the make-up off of your face

2) Lotion every single part of your body, take your time.

3) Feel the curves, feel the softness, feel the shapes.

4) Find your favorite pair of heels, put them on.

5) Put on your favorite bra and panties, I don’t care if they match (another post for another time.)

6) Stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself.

7)  Look at each part of your body, start at your pretty toes, go up to your ankles, your strong calves, your thighs, your hips, your
bikini region, your tummy, touch your stretch marks (I love those), touch your cellulite (we all have it, and I love that, too), grab your breasts (they’re not too small, or too big, or too whatever, they’re perfect!), look at your smile, look at your eyes. LOOK AT YOURSELF!!!!

8)  Optional: Go ahead and seduce yourself, a little “me time” never hurt anyone….not that I know of.

Ladies, you are gorgeous. Flaws and all. And if you are with someone who makes you feel less than?? Leave them! They are not worth your self-esteem, they are not worth doubting yourself and your beauty. You are an amazing woman; each scar, each mole, each dimple, each inch of you. BEAUTIFUL! You might not be where you would like to be, but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful. If the person you are with doesn’t make you feel this way, there is a problem. If you are settling for a person who makes you feel any way other than beautiful, there is a problem. You are beautiful! Know this. Once you believe this, you’ll exude that.

Listen, I’m not standing on some pretty-girl pedestal. I’m not perfect. But I love every part of me. Sure I’m not the ideal me, but shit, I’m me. And if I may say so, I’m a bad motherf….I’ll shut my mouth. I wasn’t always this comfortable in my skin, but I am now. All 6′ of me. All fifty-‘leven pounds of me. Each stretch mark and each jiggle of my ass when I walk. I wear it all proudly. I am a woman. And I am beautiful. You are too. Nothing makes me happier than to run her a bubble bath, lather her with soap, rinse her off, dry her,  rub her down in oil and make her feel as beautiful as I think she is. Loving a woman is easy. And making love to one is an indescribable experience.

And for the fellas reading this, if you have a women in your life- remind her. It’s easy for us to get caught up in the trash that the media perpetuates. It’s the media’s job to break us a little bit, if our hair isn’t right, we’ll spend money on their product to fix it, if we’re too fat, we’ll join their gym, if our clothes suck we’ll buy theirs. Don’t let us get caught up in that. And don’t perpetuate that, either. Tell your girl she’s beautiful, kiss her insecure spots, make love with the lights on and tell her she’s gorgeous. And if you don’t have a girl? Take notes.

Real men appreciate real women.

And I love you all.

If you need to hear it, I’m alllllways here. *grin*

Vixen

I, too, have a secret vixen

one that I’m currently missing

deep desire to be kissing

damn…..
my secret vixen lays in my bed

nuzzles her head

between my

…thoughts

my secret vixen deeply inhales my scent

and is linked to my memories

through smile laughter and realizing how deep she’s into me

and how deep I’m into her

and how I melt when I enter her

feeling her extremities reach inside

using her manos to toca mi soul

y her smile es como el sol

and nada even matters

except the flickering of the candles and the serenading
of Lauryn Hill being drowned out by the song she sings to me

as I touch her on the inside

make her love come down and find me in the outhouse

she is my beloved

and she is beloved

by me

inside me

I see

her face reflecting the feeling I give her when I give it to her

please

don’t stop

she screams as a whisper

and I savor her taste so I can remember it when I miss her

like how

simple things like tasting lemonade can remind me of you

                                                  how the taste of these things tie me to you

and how the flavor jarring my memory, reminding me of our chemistry

and how our elements react..and the bonds we made…
takes me back to the moments when my smile is shining through my eyes

and lighting up your face with my gaze

how when I speak in the lexicon of oohs and ahhs my tongue burrows

through your maze

and I’m hypnotized by the sound of your respiratory

you grabbing my hair and pushing my face is a pleasant awakening out of my daze

in the plushness of your love I would spend days

exploring and discovering new ways to please you

and tease you

but never leave you

unsatisfied, yet always wanting more

I want to perfect my technique to the point that you reach for my

head

but it ain’t really there

just the sensation lingering

from the last time I was down there

so sick

you still feel weak

by just the retrospect

of how wet you get

from just a peck

I don’t even speak French

but when I say bonjour and comment-allez vous

esta lloviendo between your thighs

flowing like when tears leave your eyes

just like then, I’m there to quickly catch them

taste them

and allow you to cry into me

breathe life into me

and dame more desire to love you

up and down

in and out

upside down…

por que yo se que te gusta

you see I, too, have a secret vixen

with legs for days, that feel like weeks and when I kiss them from

hip to toe, I get lost in her months..

with lips like forever and when mine meet with hers we create beyond

eternity

with eyes like..

como..no hay palabras describirlos…

you see I, too, have a vixen.