I’m willing to wager a dollar to a dime that 50% of all relationships inched thisclose towards dissolving over the past three days. No, they aren’t breaking up because he went out with his friends while she entertained the family or she invited her stealing ass cousin Michael after he told her not to and now her tennis bracelet is missing. Nope, they are on the verge of breaking up because she absolutely lost her mind the moment everything within a 75 mile radius went on sale!
That’s right, Black Friday and the subsequent days do as much damage as the low standard having chick he meets in a bar or the brother that listens and talks to her, but it’s been unchecked for years now. Well I’m pulling the covers back on that lie, because we need to discuss this plague in our relationships. Fellas all over the country were subjected to the torture of dragging through the mall as she whizzes through store after store leaving you in her dust, exchanging looks of pity from the other unfortunate men on the way to their own execution.
I don’t understand why women take so long to shop. Seriously, do you have to look at every rack in the store…twice? Leaving us poor saps staring into space, wondering around a store that offers not a thing for us. I can understand spending 25 minutes in Victoria’s Secret, we’re both making use of anything purchased in there, but Forever 21? It’s torture, pure hell! Especially when we’re carrying bags and can’t even find a man seat.
Yes, the man seat, the answer to every man’s shopping experience. I truly believe stores should add seating for the guys who have the misfortune of spending quality time in the mall. Each of these bug stores should offer 5-7 seats in a designated area for the fellas, fully equipped with comfy seats and a flat screen TV. I’m not asking for a 50’, but a little 27” will do. Hell, throw in those massage chairs they have placed all over the mall, I’d pay a few bucks to get the kinks worked out while she spends an arm and a leg to barely keep her arms and legs covered.
I looked in the eyes of dozens of men over the weekend and they all had the same look…”Help me!” as they sat on mannequin stands, window ledges, played musical chairs for the limited seats in certain stores and impatiently looked at their watches, Facebook, Twitter, let the kids run wild and their significant others smiled and patiently looked for the perfect shirt to match two pairs of new shoes they have yet to purchase. Ladies, you’re really oblivious to our discomfort while shopping, until we say something like, “The game is on” and that’s when you know it’s time to bust a move.
I’m not even gonna talk about shoe shopping, that’s a whole other adventure, something much darker. So for everyone out this holiday season spending, I’ll be the guy walking around with the folding chair, tweeting my shopping adventures with her…