I’m his…Um… Wait, what am I again?

You met him and his looks immediately caught your attention. You two sat and talked for hours about everything. He made you laugh and he made you think. He asked about your past and your future. He was genuinely interested in you. Some time later, you two take it to the next step and experience each other sexually. You know he’s the kind you want to stick around. He makes your toes curl, he exposes you to new things and he listens to you. He respects you. He dotes on you. He seems like he could be the one.

Then one night you guys have a conversation and he makes a statement that gives you pause. “I don’t believe in titles.” He says it in passing and doesn’t realize that your eyes have doubled in size, and your mouth is fixed to ask, “what do you mean you ‘don’t believe in titles?’” After all, for you a title means a lot. A title means he cares enough about me to categorize me. He’s letting the world know I’m his. He’s staking his claim. He’s….making you sound like an object.

Is this title thing a deal breaker for you?

Entirely too many women are hung up on this idealistic nonsense that a title equates to something more. A title is nothing more than a word, a label, a category. And some of you are so thirsty that if he tosses you a title, even “wifey”, you feel grateful. When did wifey become an acceptable role to aspire to? It was made up to pacify women in the role of long-term girlfriend and not moving towards w-i-f-e. Some women are excited to be called a wifey. Can you define what it is to be a wifey?  Would you encourage your daughter and tell her one day she too might be a wifey? I’ll be damned.

For some of you, you believe that if you don’t have a title, if you can’t define what you are, something is wrong. I urge you to think about why you feel you need a title? Why do you feel that you need to define what you two have? Is it for you? Or so it’s easier to explain to others? Or is it like monogamy, you’re just living up to societal expectations?

If you believe that a title guarantees you anything, you’re delusional. Nothing is guaranteed in life except for death. If you believe that because he calls you his girlfriend, that’s enough to keep him in line or treat you right, you’re delusional. If you believe that because you are called his wifey, that’s guaranteed placement above side chick one and two, you’re delusional.

There is nothing about a title that can assure you fidelity, respect, and love. Nothing. And it’s time that you open your eyes and begin to realize that. It’s the character of your partner, what s/he believes in and what s/he values and what you allow, that will determine how s/he will treat you. Not what s/he calls you.

If you’re hung up on titles, and easily pacified by simply having one, you put yourself in a potentially harmful situation. If he knows that title is what keeps your around, he will use that his advantage. If I don’t do right, I can always remind her, “You’re my girl. You know what that means.” And you should be wise enough to say, “no, I don’t, show me.” Because it’s not the words that matter, it’s the consistency in the actions. Consistency is the keyword.

I pray for all of my sisters who believe that a title, a noun, can ensure commitment and respect and all of the things we want in our relationships. Because the sad reality is, it can’t and it won’t. It’s not the noun that should matter, it’s nothing more than a sticker that can be peeled off of you and placed on someone else. What should matter is the content of your character and the content of your partner’s character. What should matter is how you treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you’re called a girlfriend, and he treats you like shit, that’s okay because at least you have a title. At least you know you’re the girlfriend. What?! In what world? You need your partner’s feet to line up with his/her mouth. You should be more concerned about the adjective, and not the nouns. You should be more concerned with whether your partner is honest, caring, loving, forgiving, honest, nurturing, respectful, a provider, etc. And he should be more concerned if you’re the things that he needs. It should not matter if he calls you his girlfriend or his popsicle stick. Just words. Since when do words mean more than actions. They don’t amount to much individually, but they can mean the world together.

Take the focus away from what doesn’t matter in the long run. Place that energy into nurturing whatever it is that you two have. Don’t get hung up on the small, insignificant things and forget to take care of each other. It’s not about what he calls you or what you call him, it’s about how you feel, it’s about how he treats you, and it’s about where you two are going together.

Does it really matter what he calls you or what you call him? Does a lack of a title truly indicate he loves you less? Or is your need for a title just a sign of insecurity?

In Time You Won’t Remember Me…

In time you won’t remember me, I’ll be an afterthought, a what’s his name, the guy you used to be with. I won’t even be the sorry muthafucka who did you wrong anymore. I’ll be a figment of your imagination, a déjà vu when you go to our favorite restaurant or watch a movie we loved. I won’t be the guy who stole so many moments out of your life and exchanged them for pain. I won’t be who I’ve come to be in your eyes anymore. My face won’t register; my name won’t ring a bell. You’ll forget the lies, you’ll get past the hurt, you’ll move out of that apartment I rented for you in hell.

Those tears will dry, your strength will return. You’ll forget the nights you screamed in ecstasy, you’ll forget the nights you screamed in anger. All of those lonely nights will seem a lifetime away, as you live your life today. And those scattered pictures I found of the smiles we left behind showing the way we were on those six days we were in love will be ripped, burned or discarded. As are the memories of the days we made love and the nights I left you brokenhearted. Your womb will heal, your heart will mend and in time you won’t remember me, but I won’t forget you…

Acceptance…..

The choices that you have made in your life have caused me to view things in more logical ways than how I viewed them before. I cannot control any aspect of your life unless you allow me that opportunity to do so. Instead of fighting with you verbally about the best interests of what your life are, I have decided to lift weight off of both of our shoulders. No more arguments concerning the choices that you decide to make for your life. No more emotional disagreements of selfishness and selflessness. No more telling you how you should live your life! From here on out, I support you! I support the decisions that you feel will positively impact your life. I also support the decisions that you know will slow down your life’s progress, because those are the obstacles that will prove themselves to be nothing more than life lessons that you will be able to obtain knowledge from in your future.

I confess, I am a growing man who is in Love with a growing woman, who is also clear about his intentions of wanting her to be a part of his life to a degree in which could prove to be beneficial in an equal manner for her sake, as well as for his. However, due to the progressions of time, circumstances of events have proven themselves to be challenging. I am battling for the Love of a woman who is clinched onto another who she still holds dear; who she feels is worthy of her Love. As much as I would want to spend my time and energy getting you to realize that I am the ‘better man’ for you, I am growing restless.  I have given my all to you over and over again, but somehow due to your emotions being occupied, I am not being compensated equally with the Love and affection that I have provided for you. This may present itself in some form of egoism, if so, I am ready and willing to take all of the blame. Know that as long as God allows me to breath in and out, I will exhaust all of my options in showing you just how much I truly Love you.

 At this point, if my words haven’t had any influence on your emotions, I would rather you not even acknowledge my affections for you. Although, if what I have given you has provoked your feelings for me in any way, I am truly grateful to God. I am not asking for a relationship to be set up between us in the ‘nick of time’, I am simply asking for you to just consider my Love for you. If a relationship reveals itself to us as result of the patience of time, then we shall engage ourselves within its graciousness. I would Love to be the one who compliments your life! However, with that, an equal effort would have to be given. You would have to be willing to participate in a loyal and faithful manner, so that our pledge to one another can be one that others will be able to admire and emulate.

Monologue of a Messed-Up Man

I can’t say sorry enough for what I’ve done and I’ve changed too many times to count…without changing at all, but just give me a minute to explain and I’ll be out of your life for good. You see, I was trying to be the man you needed me to be, but couldn’t be the man I wanted to be at the same time. So, the times I had to choose between your needs and my wants, I chose me every time. Because that’s the type of selfish son-of-a-bitch I am.

Yeah you felt bad and I felt nothing and we felt like it would all correct itself in due time or I would say sorry and change (again) for more than a few days this time and really care for your heart like I promised to on that night we held hands and I looked into your eyes and lied to you. Yes, I admit it, I lied. Not about loving you or protecting your heart. But I lied about putting you first always, because I didn’t realize at the time it would be so much work. Damn, was it my job to carry a list of your insecurities in my wallet at all times?

Managing your esteem issues became more work than my job and our relationship became less fun than it already was. So I spent more time running the streets than walking towards forever with you. You were suspicious from the first time I was out of your sight, but you probably pushed me into the beds of other women or a three-hour short stay, because I needed an escape for you, without breaking up with you. At least that’s what I convinced myself.

Years later you’re still trying to find who these women are or the reasons they were, steady picking through my faults and still neglecting your issues. See how I make this your fault? Just like the many fights that gave me an opening to spend hundreds of dollars at the strip club before spending $45  at the first place that looked like it had clean sheets so I could spend time with the first woman that answered my “Are you sleep?” text. But I refused to spend time or a dime on you, because I was unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave. I wanted you to do the dirty work for me, but you believed in me when I didn’t give a damn about us and forgot that I actually loved you.

Sure, I loved you. I don’t know how or why. The reasons I loved you weren’t tangible, they had to be unearthed and I didn’t possess the tools to dig them up at the time. Wait, maybe I did, but didn’t feel like you were worth it. At least not to me. So after years of the lies and broken promises of change, I moved on and left you standing still picking up the pieces and wiping away tears to become a bitter version of the sweet you I used to know.

I caused that and now I’m saying sorry one more time, but we stopped counting those years ago, long after we stopped trying to determine why we were still together. There was no answer then and no answer now, just the memories of the lies and the broken promises and a shadow of what used to be you and me better known as us to those who didn’t know any better. I’m not trying to peel away your scabs, I just wanted to finally close the door on what was our relationship and finally tell you the truth…I’m sorry.

Fuck Monogamy

Many relationships meet a premature demise due to infidelity.

Most people will be cheated on or will cheat at some point in their lives. This is a sad reality. While men are more likely to cheat, women cheat as well. Female infidelity is becoming more and more common.

We always want to know why people cheat. Why step outside of your relationship? Why risk everything for one moment? Oh, you thought I was going to answer these questions? I wouldn’t dare attempt to account for every cheater that ever cheated. I addressed my own reasons for cheating in The Promiscuous Bisexual. I’m more curious as to why people set themselves up to cheat. Why commit to someone if you know you’re not ready to abide by the rules of that relationship? Why agree to be monogamous if you don’t believe in monogamy?

The heart break that comes along with an unfaithful partner or repeated unfaithful partners will always be incredibly tough to deal with. Being a victim of infidelity often results in tremendous trust issues.

(I’m going to use male references and pronouns throughout this piece. That does not mean that cheating isn’t common in bi- and homosexual relationships. )

I’ve been cheated on more times than I can actually bear to recall. I’ve been on the slighted side in almost all of my relationships.  I didn’t blame myself for their cheating, but I blamed myself for believing in the fairy tales. As girls, we’re often taught about the knight in shining armor, the prince that will sweep you off your feet, or this idealistic male figure who you will fall in love with. Our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts often keep their stories of being cheated on, and even abused, secret until we’re adults having had experienced it for ourselves. They don’t sit us down as young girls or young ladies and teach us that some men cheat. They prepare us for breasts and periods, but they don’t prepare us for infidelity. Grandma doesn’t tell us that Grandpa had three mistresses throughout their marriage. Mommy doesn’t admit that Daddy has a side-piece, still. We eventually come to find this out the hard way. We fall pray to the smiling man, the shiny man, that man that makes us feel amazing. And when that shiny, pretty man cheats on us, we’re stuck. What happened? Why me? What did I do? What am I supposed to do? And failed relationship, after failed relationship we begin to lose hope in that ideal mate. We begin to lose hope that there will be someone out there who won’t cheat on me, because it seems everyone does it. Everyone doesn’t do it.

 As a reformed cheater, I can admit that I wish that I hadn’t fallen for temptation and had been able to respect my relationship. I wanted what I wanted, but what I wanted was not to hurt my partner(s). It’s just difficult to be honest about certain things, such as admitting to wanting to sexually experience another person. Most people won’t respond to that statement positively.  

Society has taught us that monogamy is the norm. We’re supposed to be monogamous; one man for one woman. Most of us follow what society deems as normal. So when I tell you I’m in an open relationship, eyebrows are going to shoot up all around cyber-space. I’ve heard it all already, so don’t feel discouraged to leave your comments and your thoughts below.  Biological evidence supports the theory that long-term monogamy is difficult for humans to achieve – NOT impossible, but difficult. It takes a very strong-willed and dedicated person to remain not only socially monogamous, but sexually monogamous as well. And for those of you out there, who are long-term monogamous? I certainly tip my hat off to you.

I don’t feel any pressure to conform what society says is right for my relationship. I’m so happy and grateful to have been able to meet someone who believes what I believe and is willing to give it a try. My feelings toward social monogamy are complicated. I would like to commit my heart to one person. Sexually? I don’t understand why I must only sleep with that one person. Not abiding my sexual monogamy doesn’t mean be a slut or a STI bucket. Do NOT think that’s what I’m promoting. But we’re adults. And we’re humans. The odds are that we’re going to be sexually attracted to plenty of people in our lifetime. So why is it that terrible to want to experience them? If you’re disrespecting your partner or your relationship, why is it “wrong”?

Being in an open-relationship isn’t about having a free pass to screw whomever. It’s an agreement between you and your partner to honor your relationship, and to abide by the rules that you two set for your relationship. For us, cheating is breaking any of the rules that we have set for each other. Honesty is the number one rule. If we discuss and agree that I can have another partner, I’m not cheating. If I go behind my partner’s back and sleep with someone, now I am. I violated the honor code between us.

It’s not for everyone, just as threesomes aren’t for everyone. You two need to be clear about what is and isn’t okay. You two need to maintain an open and honest decorum with each other. You two need to be the primary focus. Your relationship needs to be intact before you even consider sleeping with someone else, or if you two agree on it, dating someone else.

I’m always amused by the reactions, and mostly by the judgments. I’m mostly amused by the judgments of people who are in unhappy relationships, and have no idea where the partner is or has been. Why are the people with the house of hay the first to blow? If you’re happy in your situation, good for you, be happy for mine. If you’re not happy in your situation work on that, and let that be the focal point of your energy. It’s amazing the things that people will say on a topic that they have know first-hand knowledge of. I’ve been told I’m crazy, I’ve been told there isn’t any way that my partner truly loves me for my partner to be okay with me sleeping with other people. Interesting how they attacked my partner for this, but not me for being okay with my partner sleeping with other people. This is a mutual decision between the two of us. I don’t think I’m loved any less because this is how we live. If anything, I feel loved more, cherished more, because my happiness matters. I’m not expected to conform to some bullshit ideal of what it means to be faithful. I’m faithful because my heart belongs to my partner. I’m faithful because I maintain my relationship and that’s my first priority. I’m faithful because I respect my partner and my relationship.  But, you know, I understand that it’s difficult to accept new things. I understand it’s difficult to rewire your mind to believe something different than what you’ve been spoon-fed forever. I’ll let you guys swallow this. I won’t even talk about the time I tried to have a polyamorous relationship with my ex-girlfriend and boyfriend.

There is no book that was written centuries ago that has the rules for relationships. There is also not a book that was written centuries ago with standards for what is considered cheating.  So, in my opinion, it stands to reason that following some predetermined idea of what cheating is and bringing that into your unique relationship is a bad idea to begin with.

Most people don’t sit down prior to taking that next step into being serious, to discuss what their definition of cheating is. It seems a lot of people just go by what society says. Guess what? Society isn’t in your relationship. Society also is not going to fix it when things go awry. So why depend on society to tell you how to exist within your relationship?

For some cheating is purely physical, while for others cheating can include the emotional. If you and your partner aren’t clear about what’s cheating, how will you know if you’re cheating? How will you know if you’re wrong? You won’t. You won’t know until it’s too late. Have that discussion. If you’re already together have it now.

According to David Barash, “Anthropologists report that the overwhelming majority of human societies either are polygynous or were polygynous prior to the cultural homogenization of recent decades.” So I ask you, why do you think that monogamy is the way? Why do you think the way you do about relationships?  What is cheating to you?