You met him and his looks immediately caught your attention. You two sat and talked for hours about everything. He made you laugh and he made you think. He asked about your past and your future. He was genuinely interested in you. Some time later, you two take it to the next step and experience each other sexually. You know he’s the kind you want to stick around. He makes your toes curl, he exposes you to new things and he listens to you. He respects you. He dotes on you. He seems like he could be the one.
Then one night you guys have a conversation and he makes a statement that gives you pause. “I don’t believe in titles.” He says it in passing and doesn’t realize that your eyes have doubled in size, and your mouth is fixed to ask, “what do you mean you ‘don’t believe in titles?’” After all, for you a title means a lot. A title means he cares enough about me to categorize me. He’s letting the world know I’m his. He’s staking his claim. He’s….making you sound like an object.
Is this title thing a deal breaker for you?
Entirely too many women are hung up on this idealistic nonsense that a title equates to something more. A title is nothing more than a word, a label, a category. And some of you are so thirsty that if he tosses you a title, even “wifey”, you feel grateful. When did wifey become an acceptable role to aspire to? It was made up to pacify women in the role of long-term girlfriend and not moving towards w-i-f-e. Some women are excited to be called a wifey. Can you define what it is to be a wifey? Would you encourage your daughter and tell her one day she too might be a wifey? I’ll be damned.
For some of you, you believe that if you don’t have a title, if you can’t define what you are, something is wrong. I urge you to think about why you feel you need a title? Why do you feel that you need to define what you two have? Is it for you? Or so it’s easier to explain to others? Or is it like monogamy, you’re just living up to societal expectations?
If you believe that a title guarantees you anything, you’re delusional. Nothing is guaranteed in life except for death. If you believe that because he calls you his girlfriend, that’s enough to keep him in line or treat you right, you’re delusional. If you believe that because you are called his wifey, that’s guaranteed placement above side chick one and two, you’re delusional.
There is nothing about a title that can assure you fidelity, respect, and love. Nothing. And it’s time that you open your eyes and begin to realize that. It’s the character of your partner, what s/he believes in and what s/he values and what you allow, that will determine how s/he will treat you. Not what s/he calls you.
If you’re hung up on titles, and easily pacified by simply having one, you put yourself in a potentially harmful situation. If he knows that title is what keeps your around, he will use that his advantage. If I don’t do right, I can always remind her, “You’re my girl. You know what that means.” And you should be wise enough to say, “no, I don’t, show me.” Because it’s not the words that matter, it’s the consistency in the actions. Consistency is the keyword.
I pray for all of my sisters who believe that a title, a noun, can ensure commitment and respect and all of the things we want in our relationships. Because the sad reality is, it can’t and it won’t. It’s not the noun that should matter, it’s nothing more than a sticker that can be peeled off of you and placed on someone else. What should matter is the content of your character and the content of your partner’s character. What should matter is how you treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you’re called a girlfriend, and he treats you like shit, that’s okay because at least you have a title. At least you know you’re the girlfriend. What?! In what world? You need your partner’s feet to line up with his/her mouth. You should be more concerned about the adjective, and not the nouns. You should be more concerned with whether your partner is honest, caring, loving, forgiving, honest, nurturing, respectful, a provider, etc. And he should be more concerned if you’re the things that he needs. It should not matter if he calls you his girlfriend or his popsicle stick. Just words. Since when do words mean more than actions. They don’t amount to much individually, but they can mean the world together.
Take the focus away from what doesn’t matter in the long run. Place that energy into nurturing whatever it is that you two have. Don’t get hung up on the small, insignificant things and forget to take care of each other. It’s not about what he calls you or what you call him, it’s about how you feel, it’s about how he treats you, and it’s about where you two are going together.
Does it really matter what he calls you or what you call him? Does a lack of a title truly indicate he loves you less? Or is your need for a title just a sign of insecurity?