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Monologue of a Messed-Up Man

I can’t say sorry enough for what I’ve done and I’ve changed too many times to count…without changing at all, but just give me a minute to explain and I’ll be out of your life for good. You see, I was trying to be the man you needed me to be, but couldn’t be the man I wanted to be at the same time. So, the times I had to choose between your needs and my wants, I chose me every time. Because that’s the type of selfish son-of-a-bitch I am.

Yeah you felt bad and I felt nothing and we felt like it would all correct itself in due time or I would say sorry and change (again) for more than a few days this time and really care for your heart like I promised to on that night we held hands and I looked into your eyes and lied to you. Yes, I admit it, I lied. Not about loving you or protecting your heart. But I lied about putting you first always, because I didn’t realize at the time it would be so much work. Damn, was it my job to carry a list of your insecurities in my wallet at all times?

Managing your esteem issues became more work than my job and our relationship became less fun than it already was. So I spent more time running the streets than walking towards forever with you. You were suspicious from the first time I was out of your sight, but you probably pushed me into the beds of other women or a three-hour short stay, because I needed an escape for you, without breaking up with you. At least that’s what I convinced myself.

Years later you’re still trying to find who these women are or the reasons they were, steady picking through my faults and still neglecting your issues. See how I make this your fault? Just like the many fights that gave me an opening to spend hundreds of dollars at the strip club before spending $45  at the first place that looked like it had clean sheets so I could spend time with the first woman that answered my “Are you sleep?” text. But I refused to spend time or a dime on you, because I was unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave. I wanted you to do the dirty work for me, but you believed in me when I didn’t give a damn about us and forgot that I actually loved you.

Sure, I loved you. I don’t know how or why. The reasons I loved you weren’t tangible, they had to be unearthed and I didn’t possess the tools to dig them up at the time. Wait, maybe I did, but didn’t feel like you were worth it. At least not to me. So after years of the lies and broken promises of change, I moved on and left you standing still picking up the pieces and wiping away tears to become a bitter version of the sweet you I used to know.

I caused that and now I’m saying sorry one more time, but we stopped counting those years ago, long after we stopped trying to determine why we were still together. There was no answer then and no answer now, just the memories of the lies and the broken promises and a shadow of what used to be you and me better known as us to those who didn’t know any better. I’m not trying to peel away your scabs, I just wanted to finally close the door on what was our relationship and finally tell you the truth…I’m sorry.

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4 responses to “Monologue of a Messed-Up Man

  1. “I refused to spend time or a dime on you, because I was unhappy.” Thanks for the insight. I never thought that could possibly be the reasons/motives for the bad behavior I have experienced.

  2. msbyepoleher ⋅

    Real shit. It’s the truth many of us know but can’t bring ourselves to swallow. Thanks for speaking your truth.

    xoxo

  3. msbyepoleher ⋅

    And I’ll be SO real with you, this just spoke to my heart. Been on her side a thousand times, and everything you’re saying isn’t anything I didn’t feel deep inside. Just chose to ignore, hoping it would get better.

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