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I’m his…Um… Wait, what am I again?

You met him and his looks immediately caught your attention. You two sat and talked for hours about everything. He made you laugh and he made you think. He asked about your past and your future. He was genuinely interested in you. Some time later, you two take it to the next step and experience each other sexually. You know he’s the kind you want to stick around. He makes your toes curl, he exposes you to new things and he listens to you. He respects you. He dotes on you. He seems like he could be the one.

Then one night you guys have a conversation and he makes a statement that gives you pause. “I don’t believe in titles.” He says it in passing and doesn’t realize that your eyes have doubled in size, and your mouth is fixed to ask, “what do you mean you ‘don’t believe in titles?’” After all, for you a title means a lot. A title means he cares enough about me to categorize me. He’s letting the world know I’m his. He’s staking his claim. He’s….making you sound like an object.

Is this title thing a deal breaker for you?

Entirely too many women are hung up on this idealistic nonsense that a title equates to something more. A title is nothing more than a word, a label, a category. And some of you are so thirsty that if he tosses you a title, even “wifey”, you feel grateful. When did wifey become an acceptable role to aspire to? It was made up to pacify women in the role of long-term girlfriend and not moving towards w-i-f-e. Some women are excited to be called a wifey. Can you define what it is to be a wifey?  Would you encourage your daughter and tell her one day she too might be a wifey? I’ll be damned.

For some of you, you believe that if you don’t have a title, if you can’t define what you are, something is wrong. I urge you to think about why you feel you need a title? Why do you feel that you need to define what you two have? Is it for you? Or so it’s easier to explain to others? Or is it like monogamy, you’re just living up to societal expectations?

If you believe that a title guarantees you anything, you’re delusional. Nothing is guaranteed in life except for death. If you believe that because he calls you his girlfriend, that’s enough to keep him in line or treat you right, you’re delusional. If you believe that because you are called his wifey, that’s guaranteed placement above side chick one and two, you’re delusional.

There is nothing about a title that can assure you fidelity, respect, and love. Nothing. And it’s time that you open your eyes and begin to realize that. It’s the character of your partner, what s/he believes in and what s/he values and what you allow, that will determine how s/he will treat you. Not what s/he calls you.

If you’re hung up on titles, and easily pacified by simply having one, you put yourself in a potentially harmful situation. If he knows that title is what keeps your around, he will use that his advantage. If I don’t do right, I can always remind her, “You’re my girl. You know what that means.” And you should be wise enough to say, “no, I don’t, show me.” Because it’s not the words that matter, it’s the consistency in the actions. Consistency is the keyword.

I pray for all of my sisters who believe that a title, a noun, can ensure commitment and respect and all of the things we want in our relationships. Because the sad reality is, it can’t and it won’t. It’s not the noun that should matter, it’s nothing more than a sticker that can be peeled off of you and placed on someone else. What should matter is the content of your character and the content of your partner’s character. What should matter is how you treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you’re called a girlfriend, and he treats you like shit, that’s okay because at least you have a title. At least you know you’re the girlfriend. What?! In what world? You need your partner’s feet to line up with his/her mouth. You should be more concerned about the adjective, and not the nouns. You should be more concerned with whether your partner is honest, caring, loving, forgiving, honest, nurturing, respectful, a provider, etc. And he should be more concerned if you’re the things that he needs. It should not matter if he calls you his girlfriend or his popsicle stick. Just words. Since when do words mean more than actions. They don’t amount to much individually, but they can mean the world together.

Take the focus away from what doesn’t matter in the long run. Place that energy into nurturing whatever it is that you two have. Don’t get hung up on the small, insignificant things and forget to take care of each other. It’s not about what he calls you or what you call him, it’s about how you feel, it’s about how he treats you, and it’s about where you two are going together.

Does it really matter what he calls you or what you call him? Does a lack of a title truly indicate he loves you less? Or is your need for a title just a sign of insecurity?


26 responses to “I’m his…Um… Wait, what am I again?

  1. Adina

    I used to be hung up on titles but I’m over it, it’s more about the actual relationship, everyone’s single until they’re married anyways.

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      that’s the part people fail to keep in mind. but i guess that goes to show that marriage isn’t the ideal or ultimate goal fo most anymore.

  2. Garron ⋅

    Best blog post I’ve read in awhile. I’ve been preaching the same thing to women for years. And if they really want to see where a man’s head is at they should tell him he doesn’t have a title either…then see what he does.

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      Thank you. I appreciate that candid feedback. Some women don’t have access to a man who will speak on these things and give that kind of insight. And I absolutely agree with you. Tell that man that and if he takes that as, oh shit! runs out the house and fucks 10 bitches um…news flash. If you tell him that and not a thing changes, *ding ding ding*.

  3. So what do you call him when you introduce him to people if you don’t have to have the title? Hey mom and dad, this is my… gentleman caller??

    In my own opinion if a guy/girl is hung up on not having titles it’s because they don’t want the responsibility of having one and thus will come the time in the relationship when he/she says, “Well you’re not my girlfriend…”

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      My stance isn’t that there is anything wrong with titles. But for the people who believe the title can make or a break a relationship? For the people who believe that the title guarantees them anything else than a title? You need to wake up. A title or a label is nothing more than that, no guarantees, no nothing. I can understand that it makes it easier to introduce your partner. The Man for all intents in purposes, he would be considered my boyfriend, but I personally just don’t address him as such. I introduce him by name, after all, that is who he is. He introduces me as his girlfriend. Whatever floats your boat. But my focus within our relationship isn’t what I’m called or introduced as, or what I call him or introduce him as. It’s a small thing compared to what it takes to have a successful, healthy and happy relationship. I’m not judging anyone for caring whether or not they are a girlfriend or a piece of ass. My point is that a title doesn’t make a relationship.

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  5. charliij ⋅

    i totally agree with this post because im in a situation with no title and i dont care but everyone is like when is he gonna make u his girl or his boo when honestly what is that shit gonna change for me not a damn thing its .only gonna make everyone else happy …..this post was really a great one and this is actually the first post i read from u and i will continue to follow up and read future post ….

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      you pointed out something important. if you are happy and he is happy, it doesn’t matter what you call him. it’s about you two, fuck pleasing everyone else. they’re going to have their own thoughts and opinions regardless. you’ll never be able to please everyone. focus on the two of you, the people who actually matter.

      AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A BOO ANYWAY???? Throw that in the box with wifey and hubby.

  6. Mr_austinENY ⋅

    u already kno i’ve been preaching this… females need 2 realize title dont mean shit if he was douche when yall were just “friends” 9 times outta 10 he’s still gonna be that same douche when ur his “girlfriend” or “wifey” what the fuck is a “wifey” anyway niggas took a song title and made it into a standard… but yea great piece of writing keep em comin…

  7. Jill ⋅

    Love this…

    I am actually one of those people that prefers to not have a title. Dare I say…I run from them. I learned years ago how empty those titles can be. If your actions don’t match your words…it’s all null and void for me. Lots of people just have to label things….my whole motto is….
    It. Just. Is.
    and that works for me.

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      I understand that. I used to run from them as well. Then I found what works for me and that’s all that matters. And I pretty much learned to not fall for the hype that surrounds labels, because you as you said they can be empty. There are a lot of words in this world, it’s the actions that bring sincerity to them.

  8. amcaden ⋅

    Hey. This is a quality post. I agree with most everyone else; everything is a function of how you’re treated and the consistency in how you’re treated. If you don’t have a title and the relationship is weak, does a title mean that all of a sudden the interaction is elevated? No. If a lady and a dude are together, how they are when they are together will define what they mean to each other and what they’re actions will be like when they’re apart. The difficulty that ppl have is open, candid communication. Some chicks are scared and some dudes want to be hard. A chick may not want to open up for fear of being hurt and dude may not open up because he thinks its being soft. Forget all of that and express how you feel. Your man will enjoy it and your girl will love it.

  9. x ⋅

    A friend sent me the link on FB and your words are REAL. Having a title doesn’t mean anything… I was someone’s wife for a while and I was the only one holding up my end of the deal. No I’m on a journey to discover what real matters to me regardless of the opinions of others. The only title I have currently is my birth given name EVERYTHING else is subject to CHANGE!!

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      I’m happy that you’re on a journey seeking what makes you happy, because that’s the most important thing. And you are so right when you say “everything else is subject to change”. And hearing you say acknowledge that even having the title of husband and wife didn’t guarantee anything is powerful, very powerful. I appreciate you reading and sharing. Good luck on your journey.

  10. smanger ⋅

    Part of what I’ve learned in my 25 years of life is this: there’s what you see, and what the world sees. My wife and I’s relationship, once extrapolated, would not make any sense to you, the postman, or a cup of coffee. To hear details about past experiences within our lives would make you, the outsider, cringe, generally squirm with discomfort through some parts, surely. That’s not to say we’ve done anything inherently “odd”; the nature of intimate relationships are so that most folks on the outside can’t “see” what those on the inside do. So, for that reason, and possibly that reason alone, I’m all for titles as a crude way of letting others know what they could never possibly come to realize on their own, sort of a small slice of a big pie.

    I married my wife at 23, though informally proposed to her at 18. Much changed within the five years between the first proposal and our wedding day, but can I say that I loved her any more that Christmas morning on our floor in our apartment with an engagement ring than I did some random Tuesday (or maybe a Wednesday) on her floor in her room in her parent’s house with a smile and a promise? Nope. But after five years together total, and two of those years living as a cohesive unit, I said “fuck it”. Again, did I suddenly feel any differently for her, prompting me to make good on a five year old proposal? Not exactly. What I felt was societal acceptance for two 23 year-olds marrying, and a bit of family tradition pressure (my parents wed after five years also). Is this the heartwarming recount of how the love of my life became mine forever that I tell people? Not a chance lol. But its the truth, a truth my wife knows and doesn’t love me any less for. In fact, phrasing that to suggest she’d be offended by my matter-of-fact retelling of the story is a bit odd, if you knew us.

    So, titles don’t mean much in a good relationship when they’re simple (i.e. “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “wife”,”husband”), and the parties involved know the truth. But the key there is “truth”. If you wanna play by your own rules, call each other “ice cream cones”, that’s wonderful, as long as you both know what it means. Now, we can play it loose and easy, not be hung up on names, but lets not fool ourselves into thinking the definitions don’t matter either. Why anyone would (or SHOULD) seek that boyfriend/girlfriend designation is for the validation it brings, something that says “you mean ‘this’ much to me” in very understandable words, regardless of what the official title reads (not to be taken as a promise to be “yours forever, no matter what.”). So as long as you two are each others’ lollipop buddies and know exactly what that means, what’s the harm in being BF and GF for dad and family friends? Relationships are like model clay: the more time you spend handling it, trying to turn it into something unique and abstract, you find you’ve robbed it of all recognizable beauty. Let it be, and keep it simple.

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      As I tried to explain a few comments back, I’m not against titles. At all. I clarified that, because I don’t want to be misunderstood. The post isn’t bashing titles or people who need them or want them. It’s for people who put too much emphasis on them and not on the actual relationship. I completely get what you’re saying, and I, in fact, agree with you wholeheartedly.

      I especially agree with this–> So, titles don’t mean much in a good relationship when they’re simple (i.e. “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “wife”,”husband”), and the parties involved know the truth. But the key there is “truth”. If you wanna play by your own rules, call each other “ice cream cones”, that’s wonderful, as long as you both know what it means.

      • smanger ⋅

        Piecing together from your comments, as well as your OP, I get the feeling you would get what I’m saying, as its not far from what you’re saying yourself. I just feel like we shouldn’t give up on titles because a bunch of cowards and emotionally underdeveloped lovers choose not to OWN their mess. Its just like what I say to friends and family that say there aren’t any “good” black men out there for black women. Don’t let however many bad apples spoil the bunch…or something. We should proudly display formal titles like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” no matter the age or sex of the couple, and these should be steps we work towards in a happy relationship. I want to be your boyfriend because that says how deep in this thing you’re in it with me. With honesty, you’ll come to understand this not as a contract, a sort of guarantee of love, but as a sign of intent on an eventual path to something greater, or perhaps, nothing at all. So I say embrace it, but do so for the right reasons, and never let your wishes (read: delusions) turn a title/sign/handshake/booty call into something more.

      • msbyepoleher ⋅

        Agreed. I’m not saying give up on them, I’m saying, “never let your wishes (read: delusions) turn a title/sign/handshake/booty call into something more.”

  11. paunice savage ⋅

    As usual this is correct-a-moondo! iWant my husband to always act like a good married man is ‘pozed to..and same with me.. When we married in 94…we didnt get our rings till 6 months later… Then and now its more important to BE commited ((honestly)) ….than to prove to others we’re married (ring)
    Yes we do wear our rings *most* of the time…but if we choose not to one day …we dont trip…. #peopleRreallySomethingElse

    • msbyepoleher ⋅

      I appreciate you speaking on your marriage. I find the insight from married/committed couples who have put in some time to be invaluable.

  12. DtOUr2102

    “Consistency is the keyword…. “It’s not the noun that should matter, it’s nothing more than a sticker that can be peeled off of you and placed on someone else. What should matter is the content of your character and the content of your partner’s character. What should matter is how you treat your partner and how your partner treats you.”
    Well said hot damnnit well said! Jus like The Rock used 2 say…” iiiiiiiiiiiit doesn’t matter wat ur name is.”” Hahaa! But Ive been sayin this 4eva tho! Most ppl base their ideals off of wat the media n entertainment tells them! Its crazy…remember, Sticks n stones my brake bones, but words will never hurt me! LOL! Peace! ..& Kudos!

  13. My favorite quote: “You should be more concerned about the adjective, and not the nouns.” THIS is how I live. Words are nice and sometimes needed, however I can’t rely on them alone. I’ve always been more concerned with what actions manifest from words, than words alone. I include “titles” in the category of words and not action. Keep the title, I’d much rather have actions that fulfill my needs.

  14. Of course, what a great site and informative posts, I will add backlink – bookmark this site? Regards,

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