Tale of the Tuesday Nothing

Dreamed of you this morning,
Then came the dawn and ,
I thought that you were here with me

Marvin never lied! I tossed and turned through the night, most likely because you were featured in my dreams. I hadn’t thought about you in months, but there you were, begging me to do all of the freaky things I taught you to love. Over the course of five years I imagine I taught you a little about pain, while you learned so little about me. Regardless of what you expected of me, I was only willing to give you what I thought you deserved.

In those five years that alternated between good sex, a sounding board, a movie date, a few drinks, more sex and ultimately an abortion. How the moments we had amounted to years I’ll never understand, especially since initially I had not a thought about you, but you pushed your way into my life and I pushed myself deeper inside of you. It was all simple when we started; I was new in town, you lived close enough to my job, favorite watering hole and the highway, so that was more than enough to take your number and an invitation to drop by.

The vodka I’d been drinking most of that day cut the small talk in half and led directly to your bedroom. When we emerged a couple hours later I’m not sure you knew what you had gotten yourself into. It seems that somewhere between your stoop and those three flights up to your apartment you had gotten into your mind that I was the ideal guy for you to be in a relationship with, despite numerous admissions that I could never be in a relationship with a woman with a child. I’m far too selfish to have time I want restricted to weekends with her dad, summers Down South or creeping over when she’s asleep, so I wanted to keep up casual.

You had other plans and somehow we had plans every Sunday and Tuesday night, plus we spent Saturday texting when you were at your part-time job and I guess it seemed like a relationship to you. I guess you ignored the fact that I pretty much had two girlfriends at the time or it simply didn’t matter. Many things didn’t matter, especially after Happy Hour one night when you told me that you really needed to see me and I was so drunk that I disregarded the fact that your daughter was home and dropped by for a quickie while she was in the tub. I was so wasted and you were moving so quickly that we didn’t use a condom and the results were positive two months later. Well, negative, but positive on a pregnancy test. You didn’t want another child and I don’t want kids at all, so I delivered $465 to your place and we decided that we should stop seeing one another.

In the next six months I broke up with one girlfriend, moved in with the other and you started seeing someone that seemingly wanted the same things you did. You seemed happy and I dodged a bullet, so all’s well that ends well, or so we thought. Those Saturdays at work got lonely for you and the texts restarted and for the next year we communicated as friends, as I gave you advice on everything from school to ironically, your relationship. It was all good until you started showing up at the bar where I hung on Tuesday and we started catching a movie afterwards or watching football on Sunday while eating pizza and wings or catching a matinee.

Funny, we were buddies and it seemed like nothing more. You broke up with one guy, starting seeing another, my girl thought the rainbow was enough and moved out, leaving me back in those streets. And still, we hung out twice a week, sometimes more because your little girl started playing softball at the park down the street from my place. It was still all good between us…until November 4, 2008. Somewhere between the excitement of history being made and a bottle of vodka, you ended up being late for your date with your man and naked on my couch. You broke up with him within days and wanted nothing more from me than to continue hanging on Tuesday and Sunday and maybe a few other days when she was at softball practice or with her dad.

Here we were again, drinking and having sex, acting like we’re “just friends” and every two weeks I had to remind you that I was never going to be in a relationship with you. You claimed to understand, but with each drink or each orgasm, you felt the need to ask me again. It seemed like we were living the same Tuesday each week, a few glasses of wine, a movie, a kiss, a whatever, and then a question. Then Sundays would yield the same thing, so I busied myself to avoid the conversation. But just as sure as Tuesday was on the calendar every week, there you were and I couldn’t rid myself of you, maybe it was the guilt of the abortion, maybe the sex was too good, nah it was the guilt.

You tried to insinuate yourself into different aspects of my life and that’s when I knew you went too far, so I started finding ways to occupy my Tuesdays until you go the message. I had gotten the hint when I realized you were closing in on 30 and although I had started to slow down, I was not going to creep to a crawl with you. No pain, no tears, no returned texts or calls, not even a kiss goodbye, I simply told you that this Tuesday thing was nothing. I hadn’t had a thought of you until you texted me three nights ago and showed up in my dream this morning, but there’s no room in my schedule for you anymore…

As We Lay

It’s been over a year and a half since I last tasted his lips or felt his strong hands all over my body. Once in a while memories of our adventures seep into my consciousness and paralyze me with arousal. You’d think we just had each other yesterday. I can close my eyes and still see his deep chocolate skin glistening with sweat. I can still feel his plump lips all over my neck. I can still feel the warmth of his hands. I can still smell him. If you have never had that sexual partner who you could do any and everything with, with no hesitation, you haven’t really lived. I wish for all of you to have that at least once.

I’ve known him since I was a little girl. He’s a few years older than me. I always wanted him. As a young girl, in no other way than just to say he was mine. As I got older, the fantasies surrounding him matured too. When we ran into each other that day, all of those feelings, the crush, the fantasies, they all came rushing back. We stayed in touch. I was involved with someone, he wasn’t. It was innocent for a while. When my situation became toxic, he was still there. He didn’t encourage me to cheat, he didn’t lure me away. He simply posed a better option. I fought it for a while, and then one day I let myself just imagine it. That was my mistake. The moment that I allowed those thoughts to develop and become vivid, there was no turning back.

He didn’t disappoint.

Each time that we experienced each other we were doing something wrong, something that we weren’t supposed to be doing. I was cheating, and he was an accomplice. I knew each time I lied and escaped for a weekend to be with him that I was wrong. I was so far gone in my relationship and what he and I created was so amazing, I didn’t even care. I was a cheater, but I was also satisfied. I was also happy in those moments. Way happier than I had been at home with Him (my then boyfriend) for months. What we had was so complicated; it’s been difficult to explain since its inception.

We talked, but it was mostly about my terrible situation and making plans to see each other. We wouldn’t talk much when we were together. Clothes were being ripped off within the first five minutes. Words weren’t really exchanged after. I rolled over one way and he rolled over the other. We didn’t hold each other. I’d get up, get dressed and head home the next day. No hard feelings, in fact, no feelings. I think that was the strangest part. I’m more than capable of just having a physical relationship. I just wanted him so badly for so long, I just knew that I would eventually catch feelings. But I didn’t. I tried to force myself. But I couldn’t. I didn’t spend too much time dwelling on this. He served his purpose. After all, I was still in my situation. 80% of the time I was with Him, although my heart was in limbo. The other 20% of the time I was in someone else’s bed, tangled in someone else’s lust, in someone else’s arm, I was someone else’s fantasy. And I loved it.

I don’t think a man has ever craved my body the way that he did. I have never been praised and pampered, the way that he praised and pampered me. He loved every inch of me, every ounce of me. He loved my body in ways that you only read about in books and see in movies. It was surreal, it’s still surreal for me. He wasn’t afraid to tell me how badly he wanted me. He wasn’t afraid to take control of me. He picked me up and held me down, he pulled my hair, he bit my neck, and he sucked all ten of my toes and licked crevices on my body that have never been touched by another person.

I was drowning in my relationship; I was dying as each day passed. When I was with him, he breathed life into me. He reminded me that I’m beautiful. He reminded me that I’m sexy. He showed me that there was more out there than the situation that I chose to remain in. Opposites truly attract. He was something that I wasn’t used to. He was attentive. He was vocal. He was strong and masculine, yet gentle. He wanted to play music and light candles. He wanted to run me a bath and join me. He wanted to massage me and arouse me. He wanted me to climax as many times and in as many ways as my body could stand. And then there’s me. The stuff he was into was just something for the movies; I liked real, raw sex. Ravage my body. Take me here and now. Pull my hair and restrain me. He forced me to explore the other side. He taught me to slow it down and appreciate the small moments. We attacked all of the usual positions and scenarios and then ventured to discover new ways to have each other.

I loved each and every moment of our time together. I fell in love with his sex. I just couldn’t see myself falling in love with him. That’s what tripped me out. We were so incredibly compatible; we were so amazingly in tune. Yet, the moment we were standing up, clothed, and with the lights on- everything that we built laying down just seemed to crumble. We were two strangers in the light, but our bodies were soul mates in the dark. How is that possible? I wracked my brain trying to make sense of it. I tried to force feelings, I tried to force more, but it just didn’t click. We just didn’t click. I wanted more than orgasms and moans, and that was all he could give me. I was able to appreciate our moments but I knew I wanted more. He’s smart. Has a job. Two degrees. Tall, chocolate and muscular. Funny. Sweet. Caring. Considerate. Firm. All of the things I love in men and would look for in a partner. Our spirits just weren’t for each other.

I was confused for a long time, but then I just learned to accept it. What we had was all it was meant to be. A stich in time. Memories that will never be forgotten. A story to tell. The reason why I sometimes clinch my thighs and close my eyes. I see him smiling in pictures with her and I feel no ill feelings. I’m in my (new)relationship, I am  happy and satisfied.  He appears to be happy. She appears to be happy. All is well. I’m glad that I had him in that space and time. He made me feel ways that some women will never experience. For that, I’m lucky and I’m grateful. I’ve learned to accept that our paths no longer coincide. So, I’m left with flashbacks and memories… and I’m okay with that.

To Her Heart…..

 

To Her Heart,

 I am so in Love with you that I can only display my affection for you emotionally. I want to do so much for you that it would take further than forever for me to fulfill those obligations to you. I want to be that fourth inspiration within your life (with the exception of God, and your two beautiful children) that you can depend on for Love, happiness, security, and inspiration. Although our first attempt at a relationship was not suitable to your life at the time, I strongly believe that it was a wonderful introduction to something that is able to shine brighter than one’s eye could see…if given the chance.  

Recently, you’ve allowed an addiction to play a role in your life, and I know that you know that death by carelessness will not help you to become all that you aspire to be in life. Baby, allow me to be your addiction! I want you to be so addicted to me, that you decrease your chances of damaging that beautiful body, and increase your possibilities of becoming more than a successful example for your children to idolize. Please understand, I am not asking for you to become solely reliant on me. No! I am asking you to step outside of your hindering ways and allow me to be the provider for you that will never, ever let you down; the provider that will openly and honestly supply you with everything that you may be in need of outside of your own independence.

I am willing to take any amount of baggage from your situation that may be weighing on you, place it on my back, and carry it so far away from you; causing you never having to use your past as an excuse as to why you “can’t”, when you know in your heart that “you can”. I know that you still Love me. You’ve expressed that! However, I truly would like you to profess those words, if in fact you accept those words in your heart to be true. Since your departure from me some time ago, I have devoted myself to a mission to find Love and submit to its embrace. I refuse to settle for anyone who isn’t willing to give their all. Now, I am more mature. I am more aware. And I am more deserving of the things that I felt that wasn’t worth in the past.

These words don’t explain all of how I feel about you; I’ve shown you. My word is my bond; I’ve proved that to you. I could care less about what you think others think about you, my foremost concern is what I can do for you. I’ve acknowledged that! Ultimately, my motives, in which I write these words to you are, one, to tell you what exactly has been going through my mind since connecting with you again. And, two, to find out if a second opportunity awaits us to be together again. If there is a second chance at a you and I, give pleasure to my expectations. If you feel that your life is able to thrive comfortably without my involvement, please allow me that clarity. As always, the decision that you choose will not take away from the Love that my heart holds for you…..I Love You.

 ~ From His Heart