We had been dating for a little over a year now and my expectations for our relationship had been slothfully shifting from fresh and exciting to moments of confusion, mixed with occasional scavenger hunts for clarity. As it stands (and I’m completely speaking from my perspective alone), our present, more than slightly, clips the wings of what we planned for ourselves when we first committed to this journey. It was agreed upon that our prospects for our growing relationship would have simplicity and honesty embedded within our foundation. And from those standards we would build.
As time moved on, there seemed to be a shift working its way into our routine. A shift that imposed plans of unfair intentions; a personal agenda if you will. The one who I was growing to the level of Love with began to become inconsiderate, even selfish to some extent. Phone conversations embodied a dryness that only the Sahara could relate to. One word answers that could possibly equal to complete a single sentence replaced full, thought-out, verbal expressions from the heart. The change was not a welcomed one. This was not what we planned for one another. Granted, things do not always go as planned, however the committment to be willing to participate had already been establish; as well as the promise that communication would be our most resourceful tool. I made sure to separate my thoughts and abilities to perform beyond the idea of a man who does nothing more than to fit the form of the societal perception of what a man is to be. I am striving to be more than that for more than just myself. With confidence, I claim that ‘I deserve better’. And what I view as our finest hour would reveal all answers that I needed to better choose the direction that best suited the question of ‘Should I stay’ or ‘Should I go’.
Over and over, we entertained the idea of spending time with one another where it didn’t involve sharing spaces with family members or friends. Without even noticing, our time together had developed into this tolerable time that consistantly included us plus whoever else. Refrain from confusion, we Love our Loved ones and those who are dear to our hearts. We just wanted an intimate hour where our souls would be about to connect. And that time would be tonight.
For days we put thought into the idea of ‘Where do we go for quiet to ourselves?’ And not one time did we agree. I’d say, “Justin’s?” She’d say, “No.” I’d suggest, “Warm Daddy’s?” She’d reply, “No.” Then, she gasps with excitement, “How about we keep it local and go to this spot near my house? It’s nice. It’s quaint. And I really think that it would cater to the mood that we’ve been search for.” I was convinced. She had my vote. So, I responded with, “You’re elation helped me make my decision more and more as the words left your mouth. Count me in!!!!!” This was going to be great for us.
We arrive to the restaurant at about 7:00pm. There aren’t many cars in the parking lot (which is a good thing in my eyes; very little socialization with other customers). We approach the door of the restaurant, I hold it open for my lady Love, and we enter. The view of the interior completely took me by surprise. The lights were dim, the mood exuded an essence of romance that was awe so inviting. And to top it all off, after being seated, our waitor lights a small candle in the center of our table. I had only imagined sharing a space such as this with a female prospect, and tonight a dream seemed to reveal itself to be true. Yet, while all this was happening, I still had it in my mind to remain honest and focused on achieving the task of gaining answers to the questions that I had been keeping bottled up; a defense mechanism with a false purpose to shield me from hearing the truth. I was exhausting myself with harboring issues. And I vowed that I would not allow another opportunity to pass without receiving understanding of why changes have occured within our relationship.
Up to this point, we were near finishing our meals and conversing about good times that we’ve shared since being together. We laughed looking back on some situations, even expressing alternate ways that we could have handled them. We also went as far as revealing family stories about one another to add to the evening’s development. We were really having an awesome time, but I felt that if we wanted to continue moments such as this, then we would also have to be willing to tackle unstable situations such as the unspoken downward spiral that we have recently been experiencing. So here goes nothing…..(To be continued)