I think the idea of newness as it pertains to relationships is something that isn’t discussed too openly. I mean, I guess I can understand why, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it. There’s nothing quite like a first kiss. There’s nothing quite like that anticipation or the sparks you feel when you first experience another person.
I’ve shared with you all that I’m in an open relationship. I’ve also shared that I was a butterfly chaser. Meaning, I’ve jeopardized and eventually lost many relationships because the sparks fizzled out and I needed that newness. I needed those feelings again. I needed to feel that anxiety, that excitement, that wonder. I never figured out how to recapture those feelings, so I’d chase them. Lord knows how many otherwise incredible situations I’ve walked away from because of this. Fortunately, my partner and I are in a relationship that enables me to still chase those butterflies without sacrificing what we have.
We’ve been together for several years now and I have only recently taken advantage of the fact that we’re open. That actually surprised the hell out of me. But I think that just goes to show you that monogamy is a choice. For years I chose to only be with him and experience him. There wasn’t that pressure that comes with the expectation of remaining faithful. I made the choice to remain faithful because I wanted to, not because I was expected to.
I’ve kissed two people in the time that we’ve been together that weren’t my partner (with the exception of the third in a threesome we had). Only one of those kisses have led to something more, as of now. God, those sparks are incredible; that rush, that lust!
I kissed her last fall and I can still remember how her soft lips felt pressed against mine. I can still remember how sweet her tongue was. I was hesitant but she wasn’t. She grabbed me by my waist and pulled me closer to her. I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her back hard. There were eyes on us but at that moment I didn’t care, I couldn’t care. We were melting into each other and it just didn’t matter that we were in the middle of this hotel lobby with hundreds of people around us. We could have and should have gone back to my hotel room but we didn’t. And now I’m counting down until I can see her again, kiss her again and experience her. We’ve been talking about this for almost a year; it’s time to stop talking. The way I feel about her is no secret. She’s incredible and each time I see her body… I can’t wait until we can finish what we’ve started.
I kissed him a bit more recently. I noticed him a while ago but I don’t think he noticed me. Nothing came of it but I remembered him. We ran into each other again. When I’ve discussed this experience before I’ve made a point each time to make sure that I explain that I was pretty damn drunk. But I’m changing the story. I mean, I was, but I’m not blaming it and I’m not hiding behind it. It’s a part of the story but that was certainly not the catalyst. Even when I discussed what happened with him, I told him that that embarrassed me. Since then, the embarrassment has passed. Now, I keep replaying that night over and over. Walking down a Manhattan street being pushed up against a fence by large hands, my face being held as he kissed me. More soft lips, God his lips were so soft. I can’t remember what we talked about and what we laughed about, but I remember how his kisses tasted. I remember how weak my knees felt when I pulled away to catch my breath. We found ourselves carving out some privacy in a very public space. I’m sure there were wandering eyes and listening ears but that didn’t matter. I’m sure we were making noise but that didn’t matter. It felt amazing. We touched and tasted each other across boroughs and yet, we still have unfinished business.
At one point, I thought it was wrong of me to chase butterflies. Now I know it’s not the butterfly chasing that was wrong, it’s the jeopardizing of a good thing for a temporary feeling in a fleeting moment. I’m in a different space and now that I’m in a different type of relationship, I have found myself taking a stronger grip on the reigns of my sexuality. I am so incredibly in love with my partner, our relationship is the best that it’s ever been. I’m also ready to allow myself to explore people outside of our relationship because I feel secure enough in what our relationship is now.
With that said, I have some loose ends to tie up (and possibly untie so that I can retie them) and I’m definitely looking forward to that.