The daily monotony that became my life was draining me. I loved my life don’t get me wrong. It’s just that due to the sheer redundancy my days ran into each other like liquid spilled on to a water coloring. I felt like I was drowning. I felt like I was suffocating. It had been so long since something or someone left me breathless.
I have been conflicted by the feelings that this Man elicits from me. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. Confusion. Fear. Excitement. Heat.
I’ve read about pheromones before but never have I experienced them in such a way. The energy that radiated from Him sought a new host and found me. I absorbed them. I knew in that moment, after that “hi”, that I wanted Him to absorb me. In that moment I didn’t know where it would lead or if it would lead anywhere at all. I was aware of His obstacles and I was aware of mine. But in that moment I felt the truth before I knew it and could accept it. I recognize that within myself I thirst for understanding. If something confuses me, I have to figure out why. If something eludes me, I have to get to the bottom of it. But this Man… I only knew that I wanted Him to get to the bottom of me.
Everything that I knew to be true about myself has been brought into question. So many “nevers” have become “maybes”. So many “maybes” have become “yeses”. My mind wants to push back and make sense of it all. The feelings that I feel won’t let me though.
I’ve long since given up on that passion that I’ve seen so many times in movies. I’ve experienced it with women. In fact, I’ve experienced it with every woman that I’ve ever been with, an undeniable attraction, and a passion so pure that addiction seemed inevitable. I’ve never experienced this with a man. It’s because of this that I’ve always felt that I was more of a charcoal on the spectrum between black and white, homosexual and heterosexual respectively.
And here He comes.
I look up to see His piercing eyes, distinguished crows feet, the way His lips spread when He smiles, the scar that I wanted to press my lips against. His broad shoulders and the way his t-shirts drape him. The way that He stands. The veins that bulge from His forearms and trace down to those masculine hands. His voice, the undertones of power. The way He speaks slowly and intently.
Everything has been questioned.
Never in my life have I been so affected by someone. Just being near Him makes the embers between my legs glow. My entire body tingles and my breathing changes
Never in my life have I felt so beautiful.
Never have I felt so desired.
Never have I felt so craved.
The promise of next time tethers me to this Man. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. This Man makes me feel alive. He makes me aware and proud of my femininity and my womanhood. He sees beauty and sensuality in the things that I don’t pay attention to. He pays attention in a way that I’m not used to and it unsettles me yet I blush when He mentions something that I don’t even recall alluding to.
God, this Man!
The reality is this can’t last forever or anything close to it. It’s an ugly truth that we both recognize. I don’t know about Him but in the moments where it’s just He and I, I choose to pretend. I allow myself to be consumed by the lust and the wonder and the amazement. He and this amaze me.
My better mind would heed to the danger signs that are glaring but I really don’t want to. I want to dive into this. I want to feel this. I want to experience this.
I want Him.
I need Him.
I need this Man in ways that I’ve never needed another person and for reasons that I’m not entirely sure of. But with all of my questions, all of my confusion, all of my fear and apprehension, He’s there. Reminding me that He is here for His reasons and I’m here for mine. Neither of us is delusional about the veracities that exist in the space away from this. But those truths don’t change this truth.
Whatever this is, it’s amazing. It’s nonsensical. It’s complicated. It’s beautiful.
This is a ride. This is a ride that we both know can’t go anywhere. Yet and still, we’re riding.
We’ll probably jump off before it hits a wall.