An Adventure as Her: Running from Truth

I keep finding myself running. In the past I would physically run. I’d pack up my feelings and my things and I would leave. I would remove myself from a situation. I’ve run from good things and bad things. I’ve run from abuse, I’ve run from blessings. I’ve run from others and I’ve run from myself.

 

For a moment I thought I was done running because I’ve been in the same place for four years. I’ve realized that I’m still running. I’m running from my thoughts. I’m running from my feelings. I’m running from my truth.

 

As much as I’d like to think that I’m living an honest and truth filled life, I’m not. As much as I’d like to think that I’m living on my own terms and not anyone else’s, I’m not. I’m still incredibly aware and cautious of other’s perceptions and judgments. It’s doing more harm than good.

 

I know what I’ve been searching for; I know what I’m still missing. I have pieces that could be forced together to present an image but it’s not the image that I’ve always seen in my heart. Do I settle for it because it could be “it” if we force it? Or do I leave almost for in hopes of?

 

Having the freedom to explore while still bound has resulted in me breaking my own rules. I’ve seen what I’m missing in others. Those others, however, have their own binds. Do I settle for pieces of what I want? Do I settle for feeling what I desire sometimes? Do I sacrifice the sometimes for in hopes of?

 

I don’t know if it’s that I don’t believe that I deserve the whole, the always, the entire. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t have enough faith in time and myself to believe that if I hang in there that I’ll eventually find my whole, always and entire. The only thing that I know right now is that I’ve found the part, the sometimes, the piece.

 

I have to ask myself am I willing to live this fragmented life. I know what other people believe, but I believe that this life is about feeling. Feeling connected, feeling love, feeling loved, and feeling loving and feeling others. He makes me feel things that I’ve never felt and I don’t mean that in the clichéd sense. I honestly have never felt these things. Not even remotely.

 

I’ve said that it’s not love but since then, I’ve thought about that. Is it not love? It feels like it. It looks like it. Am I overanalyzing it? Love is pure in its essence. Love will always be regardless of how we try to dress it up and make it behave. It will always be. Is it love? Is it that I’m too wrapped up in our realities, in our obligations, in the… “extraness” that we hang up on love’s hooks.

 

It feels so much like the love that I recognize but it’s not. It’s taken me months to understand this. I feel trust, I feel safety, I feel like I’m understood, I feel like I’m appreciated in the capacities that I give myself, I feel beautiful, I feel wanted and needed. That feels a lot like love. But it isn’t.

Love itself is pure. Love is simple and not complicated. It’s simply what it is. It becomes complicated when we allow external forces to influence it. Love will exist despite how we fight, what we have or believe we need. Love will always make itself known.

Rereading that as if I hadn’t written it sounds like it’s love but I’m afraid and unwilling to admit it. It sounds like I’m too worried about how it will seem or be perceived. It sounds like I’m too worried about arbitrary timetables and definitions. It sounds like I’m afraid to own all of what I feel. It seems like I fear that the object of this love will be disturbed by it. This has left me sitting here thinking. Why do we place so much stake in it? Why do we tie it to so much pressure and so many expectations? Why can’t it just be? Why must something always grow from it? Can we not just have love and allow it to exist? Does it have to blossom into something else? I don’t think it does.

 

In this case, this grew from something foreign. In many cases we attribute it to relationships and futures and growing together. But in this experience with Him I’ve realized that playing with trust, with faith, with pure selves, with time, with interactions such as this… if it’s real then it’s inevitable. I found myself trusting this person and bearing myself in an abnormal way and it was received. It was appreciated. It was met with respect, with gratitude and adoration. It was received.

 

I’ve been struggling with the end of it and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it. I haven’t been able to make peace. I’ve been holding a truth that I’ve tried to dress up as something else. I’ve been afraid of owning it because I’ve been afraid of it being rejected. But I mean, I’ve been rejected, my service has been rejected, my loyalty and my gifts have been rejected. So why am I so afraid of owning a truth that won’t change anything? Why am I afraid of letting this truth stand on its own instead of forcing it to masquerade as hypothetical scenarios?

 

I had been unusually bare and exposed. I had shared fears and insecurities. I trusted, I gave, I served. I acknowledge that each and everything about “that” was illogical. I acknowledge that I struggled with its nonsensical nature. But what I’ve realized is that those hypotheticals that I posed while we “were” served me because I was testing the waters. I could feel something shifting in me and I wanted to make sure that it was safe. I wanted to make sure that if we were going to move forward in this truthfully that it was safe for my heart to be as invested as the rest of me. I was told it was. Then it ended abruptly. I was rudely awakened by the truth that I was avoiding. The hypotheticals were actuals and I simply hadn’t the opportunity to sit with them and understand them.

 

I still don’t know the ins and outs of it but most of me feel like it’s unnecessary. If it’s safe, then I’ll own it. It is love. Does that change my expectations? Does that change my hopes? Not in the least. But I want to be able to live in that and live with that instead of being fearful, shameful and embarrassed by it. After all, it’s pure. Right? It’s simple, right? It will always exist despite how fight, what we have or believe we need, right? It will always make itself known… Right?

An Adventure as Her: Untitled

I’ve been struggling with these emotions that have been burning inside of me. They feel simultaneously familiar and foreign. The anxiety, the excitement, the warmth, the fire, the anticipation, the joy, the pleasure, the desire; all familiar. The need, uncertainty, the confusion, the grayness, the fear; all foreign.

I struggled under his reign. I couldn’t make sense of a lot of what I felt and thought. I tend to seek references to compare to in order to understand, but I didn’t have any and I couldn’t find any. It was all so new to me and it left me with a gray pit deep inside. On the precipice, the undeniable feelings dangled.

I’m accustomed to keeping most emotions and worries to myself, but I found myself in a situation that called for full disclosure. The circumstances surrounding it didn’t lend it toward fostering a sense of full security. I knew that we were both obligated elsewhere and this started with an established, albeit unspecified, expiration date. This left me feeling like our days were numbered. This left me worried about emotions and feelings that I tried to pretend weren’t developing. Where would that leave me? Where would I “put” these feelings when it ended?

It feels so much like the love that I recognize but it’s not. It’s taken me months to understand this. I feel trust, I feel safety, I feel like I’m understood, I feel like I’m appreciated in the capacities that I give myself, I feel beautiful, I feel wanted and needed. That feels a lot like love. But it isn’t. Could it have been? I hate to admit that it’s quite possible that in time it very well may have morphed into love. I’m not sure if I hate to admit it or if I’m afraid to admit that. Love itself is pure. Love is simple and not complicated. It’s simply what it is. It becomes complicated when we allow external forces to influence it. Love will exist despite how we fight, what we have or believe we need. Love will always make itself known. This didn’t become love but it felt so much like it that it scared me.

The connection that I felt was unlike anything else that I’ve ever experienced before. I wasn’t perfect in it but I felt like I was becoming better because of it. How many people can say that? It wasn’t an ideal situation, and I’m sure that neither of us foresaw any of this at its inception. But it was ours. Up until this point I’ve allowed worries, concerns and over-thinking to overshadow my feelings, I have no reason to do that now. I acknowledge and have acknowledged all of the facts, but what I realize now is the reality of our lives has not in any way changed the feelings and connection that have been born through our fantasy. I often worry that I’m alone in my feelings, I often worried that I was out of line or wrong in my feelings.  But the chips have fallen and I have nothing to lose. I had never felt so alive, so right with another person. And now that we’re trying to navigate our newly not-so-redefined roles, I’m so conflicted. I don’t want to lose him and if I’m being absolutely honest, I want him back, I want it back. It’s selfish to feel that but it’s my truth. I understand why things have turned out this way, and I’m truly working on accepting it but in the mean time, I don’t want it but if it’s all that I can have, I guess I’ll take it. But what I really want is to feel like I can be that raw, unfiltered, bare person with him again. It was so scary but he met me each and everytime and assured me that it was okay to be vulnerable. I’ve never had that before and I don’t have that now. He never really told me how this affected him, at least not in the ways that I’ve shared. I can only hope that its somewhere in the same realm.

I’ve recently realized that I care. I mean, I always knew that I cared but I’m just realizing how much I care. It was never a light thing for me. It was never superficial. When we agreed to enter into this together, I took it very seriously from the beginning. I gave parts of me that I never envisioned sharing with another person especially outside of the confines of a relationship. I had been forced to reevaluate my own beliefs and values. I had been forced to realize that a lot of what I held to be true were completely based on social constructs and not on what felt right for me. He gave me something that I never knew I wanted or needed. It came in the most unusual package but it was beautiful. I don’t know how else to describe it.

It’s incredibly difficult speaking to him now because I feel like I have to restrain myself. I have to hold back how I really feel, how I really want to be and interact with him. It feels phoney. It’s so difficult talking about the weather when I want to let him know that I’m craving to submit to him. It’s painful even. I never knew I could feel these feelings because until recently I haven’t been able to distinguish them. But they’re here. I’m here, always been here.

I just don’t know where to put them.