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An Adventure as Her: Untitled

I’ve been struggling with these emotions that have been burning inside of me. They feel simultaneously familiar and foreign. The anxiety, the excitement, the warmth, the fire, the anticipation, the joy, the pleasure, the desire; all familiar. The need, uncertainty, the confusion, the grayness, the fear; all foreign.

I struggled under his reign. I couldn’t make sense of a lot of what I felt and thought. I tend to seek references to compare to in order to understand, but I didn’t have any and I couldn’t find any. It was all so new to me and it left me with a gray pit deep inside. On the precipice, the undeniable feelings dangled.

I’m accustomed to keeping most emotions and worries to myself, but I found myself in a situation that called for full disclosure. The circumstances surrounding it didn’t lend it toward fostering a sense of full security. I knew that we were both obligated elsewhere and this started with an established, albeit unspecified, expiration date. This left me feeling like our days were numbered. This left me worried about emotions and feelings that I tried to pretend weren’t developing. Where would that leave me? Where would I “put” these feelings when it ended?

It feels so much like the love that I recognize but it’s not. It’s taken me months to understand this. I feel trust, I feel safety, I feel like I’m understood, I feel like I’m appreciated in the capacities that I give myself, I feel beautiful, I feel wanted and needed. That feels a lot like love. But it isn’t. Could it have been? I hate to admit that it’s quite possible that in time it very well may have morphed into love. I’m not sure if I hate to admit it or if I’m afraid to admit that. Love itself is pure. Love is simple and not complicated. It’s simply what it is. It becomes complicated when we allow external forces to influence it. Love will exist despite how we fight, what we have or believe we need. Love will always make itself known. This didn’t become love but it felt so much like it that it scared me.

The connection that I felt was unlike anything else that I’ve ever experienced before. I wasn’t perfect in it but I felt like I was becoming better because of it. How many people can say that? It wasn’t an ideal situation, and I’m sure that neither of us foresaw any of this at its inception. But it was ours. Up until this point I’ve allowed worries, concerns and over-thinking to overshadow my feelings, I have no reason to do that now. I acknowledge and have acknowledged all of the facts, but what I realize now is the reality of our lives has not in any way changed the feelings and connection that have been born through our fantasy. I often worry that I’m alone in my feelings, I often worried that I was out of line or wrong in my feelings.  But the chips have fallen and I have nothing to lose. I had never felt so alive, so right with another person. And now that we’re trying to navigate our newly not-so-redefined roles, I’m so conflicted. I don’t want to lose him and if I’m being absolutely honest, I want him back, I want it back. It’s selfish to feel that but it’s my truth. I understand why things have turned out this way, and I’m truly working on accepting it but in the mean time, I don’t want it but if it’s all that I can have, I guess I’ll take it. But what I really want is to feel like I can be that raw, unfiltered, bare person with him again. It was so scary but he met me each and everytime and assured me that it was okay to be vulnerable. I’ve never had that before and I don’t have that now. He never really told me how this affected him, at least not in the ways that I’ve shared. I can only hope that its somewhere in the same realm.

I’ve recently realized that I care. I mean, I always knew that I cared but I’m just realizing how much I care. It was never a light thing for me. It was never superficial. When we agreed to enter into this together, I took it very seriously from the beginning. I gave parts of me that I never envisioned sharing with another person especially outside of the confines of a relationship. I had been forced to reevaluate my own beliefs and values. I had been forced to realize that a lot of what I held to be true were completely based on social constructs and not on what felt right for me. He gave me something that I never knew I wanted or needed. It came in the most unusual package but it was beautiful. I don’t know how else to describe it.

It’s incredibly difficult speaking to him now because I feel like I have to restrain myself. I have to hold back how I really feel, how I really want to be and interact with him. It feels phoney. It’s so difficult talking about the weather when I want to let him know that I’m craving to submit to him. It’s painful even. I never knew I could feel these feelings because until recently I haven’t been able to distinguish them. But they’re here. I’m here, always been here.

I just don’t know where to put them.


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