An Adventure as Her: When Sparks Fly

I think the idea of newness as it pertains to relationships is something that isn’t discussed too openly. I mean, I guess I can understand why, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it. There’s nothing quite like a first kiss.  There’s nothing quite like that anticipation or the sparks you feel when you first experience another person.

I’ve shared with you all that I’m in an open relationship. I’ve also shared that I was a butterfly chaser. Meaning, I’ve jeopardized and eventually lost many relationships because the sparks fizzled out and I needed that newness. I needed those feelings again. I needed to feel that anxiety, that excitement, that wonder. I never figured out how to recapture those feelings, so I’d chase them. Lord knows how many otherwise incredible situations I’ve walked away from because of this. Fortunately, my partner and I are in a relationship that enables me to still chase those butterflies without sacrificing what we have.

 We’ve been together for several years now and I have only recently taken advantage of the fact that we’re open. That actually surprised the hell out of me. But I think that just goes to show you that monogamy is a choice. For years I chose to only be with him and experience him. There wasn’t that pressure that comes with the expectation of remaining faithful. I made the choice to remain faithful because I wanted to, not because I was expected to.

 I’ve kissed two people in the time that we’ve been together that weren’t my partner (with the exception of the third in a threesome we had). Only one of those kisses have led to something more, as of now. God, those sparks are incredible; that rush, that lust!

 I kissed her last fall and I can still remember how her soft lips felt pressed against mine. I can still remember how sweet her tongue was. I was hesitant but she wasn’t. She grabbed me by my waist and pulled me closer to her. I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her back hard. There were eyes on us but at that moment I didn’t care, I couldn’t care. We were melting into each other and it just didn’t matter that we were in the middle of this hotel lobby with hundreds of people around us. We could have and should have gone back to my hotel room but we didn’t. And now I’m counting down until I can see her again, kiss her again and experience her. We’ve been talking about this for almost a year; it’s time to stop talking. The way I feel about her is no secret. She’s incredible and each time I see her body… I can’t wait until we can finish what we’ve started.

Some rights reserved by ChrisGoldNY

 I kissed him a bit more recently. I noticed him a while ago but I don’t think he noticed me. Nothing came of it but I remembered him. We ran into each other again. When I’ve discussed this experience before I’ve made a point each time to make sure that I explain that I was pretty damn drunk. But I’m changing the story. I mean, I was, but I’m not blaming it and I’m not hiding behind it. It’s a part of the story but that was certainly not the catalyst. Even when I discussed what happened with him, I told him that that embarrassed me. Since then, the embarrassment has passed. Now, I keep replaying that night over and over. Walking down a Manhattan street being pushed up against a fence by large hands, my face being held as he kissed me. More soft lips, God his lips were so soft. I can’t remember what we talked about and what we laughed about, but I remember how his kisses tasted. I remember how weak my knees felt when I pulled away to catch my breath. We found ourselves carving out some privacy in a very public space. I’m sure there were wandering eyes and listening ears but that didn’t matter. I’m sure we were making noise but that didn’t matter. It felt amazing. We touched and tasted each other across boroughs and yet, we still have unfinished business.

 At one point, I thought it was wrong of me to chase butterflies. Now I know it’s not the butterfly chasing that was wrong, it’s the jeopardizing of a good thing for a temporary feeling in a fleeting moment. I’m in a different space and now that I’m in a different type of relationship, I have found myself taking a stronger grip on the reigns of my sexuality. I am so incredibly in love with my partner, our relationship is the best that it’s ever been. I’m also ready to allow myself to explore people outside of our relationship because I feel secure enough in what our relationship is now.

 With that said, I have some loose ends to tie up (and possibly untie so that I can retie them) and I’m definitely looking forward to that.

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Love is a Losing Game

I was just living my life. You blindsided me with your beauty and your mind. I didn’t see you coming. I am in a place where I can truly say I’m happy but you showed me that I didn’t realize that I was missing something. Though briefly, you added something to my life. Something to look forward to, something that broke the monotony of my everyday. Something that showed me that I was still capable of feeling. Something that showed me that I was still desirous, that I was still beautiful, that I still had it.You brought more laughter and smiles into my life. You touched parts of me, that I had been ignoring for years, without hands.  And just as quickly as you entered my life like a whirlwind, like sand you slipped through my fingers. Like a predator in the night, you’re gone. All I have left is evidence that you were once here, condensation of your breath on the window that’s my heart, a phantom imprint on the pillow that I laid for you, remnants of a scent that I imagined.
I feel like something is missing. It’s incredible to me that what would seem so minor in the eyes of others has made such a major impression on me. And I’m expected to just let it go? Just let you go? Just stand here and watch you walk away? I don’t want to. But I know it’s not about what I want, it’s about what’s best for us, for you. I still don’t want to. I want to be selfish and have you for myself. I want to be selfish and escape for days to your haven. I want to be selfish and inhale your scent, taste your kisses and rub your head until you fall asleep. But it’s wrong to be selfish, it’s wrong to want for me, for us, what will inevitably harm you.I don’t want to hurt you but I also don’t want to see you go.

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

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I’m his…Um… Wait, what am I again?

You met him and his looks immediately caught your attention. You two sat and talked for hours about everything. He made you laugh and he made you think. He asked about your past and your future. He was genuinely interested in you. Some time later, you two take it to the next step and experience each other sexually. You know he’s the kind you want to stick around. He makes your toes curl, he exposes you to new things and he listens to you. He respects you. He dotes on you. He seems like he could be the one.

Then one night you guys have a conversation and he makes a statement that gives you pause. “I don’t believe in titles.” He says it in passing and doesn’t realize that your eyes have doubled in size, and your mouth is fixed to ask, “what do you mean you ‘don’t believe in titles?’” After all, for you a title means a lot. A title means he cares enough about me to categorize me. He’s letting the world know I’m his. He’s staking his claim. He’s….making you sound like an object.

Is this title thing a deal breaker for you?

Entirely too many women are hung up on this idealistic nonsense that a title equates to something more. A title is nothing more than a word, a label, a category. And some of you are so thirsty that if he tosses you a title, even “wifey”, you feel grateful. When did wifey become an acceptable role to aspire to? It was made up to pacify women in the role of long-term girlfriend and not moving towards w-i-f-e. Some women are excited to be called a wifey. Can you define what it is to be a wifey?  Would you encourage your daughter and tell her one day she too might be a wifey? I’ll be damned.

For some of you, you believe that if you don’t have a title, if you can’t define what you are, something is wrong. I urge you to think about why you feel you need a title? Why do you feel that you need to define what you two have? Is it for you? Or so it’s easier to explain to others? Or is it like monogamy, you’re just living up to societal expectations?

If you believe that a title guarantees you anything, you’re delusional. Nothing is guaranteed in life except for death. If you believe that because he calls you his girlfriend, that’s enough to keep him in line or treat you right, you’re delusional. If you believe that because you are called his wifey, that’s guaranteed placement above side chick one and two, you’re delusional.

There is nothing about a title that can assure you fidelity, respect, and love. Nothing. And it’s time that you open your eyes and begin to realize that. It’s the character of your partner, what s/he believes in and what s/he values and what you allow, that will determine how s/he will treat you. Not what s/he calls you.

If you’re hung up on titles, and easily pacified by simply having one, you put yourself in a potentially harmful situation. If he knows that title is what keeps your around, he will use that his advantage. If I don’t do right, I can always remind her, “You’re my girl. You know what that means.” And you should be wise enough to say, “no, I don’t, show me.” Because it’s not the words that matter, it’s the consistency in the actions. Consistency is the keyword.

I pray for all of my sisters who believe that a title, a noun, can ensure commitment and respect and all of the things we want in our relationships. Because the sad reality is, it can’t and it won’t. It’s not the noun that should matter, it’s nothing more than a sticker that can be peeled off of you and placed on someone else. What should matter is the content of your character and the content of your partner’s character. What should matter is how you treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you’re called a girlfriend, and he treats you like shit, that’s okay because at least you have a title. At least you know you’re the girlfriend. What?! In what world? You need your partner’s feet to line up with his/her mouth. You should be more concerned about the adjective, and not the nouns. You should be more concerned with whether your partner is honest, caring, loving, forgiving, honest, nurturing, respectful, a provider, etc. And he should be more concerned if you’re the things that he needs. It should not matter if he calls you his girlfriend or his popsicle stick. Just words. Since when do words mean more than actions. They don’t amount to much individually, but they can mean the world together.

Take the focus away from what doesn’t matter in the long run. Place that energy into nurturing whatever it is that you two have. Don’t get hung up on the small, insignificant things and forget to take care of each other. It’s not about what he calls you or what you call him, it’s about how you feel, it’s about how he treats you, and it’s about where you two are going together.

Does it really matter what he calls you or what you call him? Does a lack of a title truly indicate he loves you less? Or is your need for a title just a sign of insecurity?

Acceptance…..

The choices that you have made in your life have caused me to view things in more logical ways than how I viewed them before. I cannot control any aspect of your life unless you allow me that opportunity to do so. Instead of fighting with you verbally about the best interests of what your life are, I have decided to lift weight off of both of our shoulders. No more arguments concerning the choices that you decide to make for your life. No more emotional disagreements of selfishness and selflessness. No more telling you how you should live your life! From here on out, I support you! I support the decisions that you feel will positively impact your life. I also support the decisions that you know will slow down your life’s progress, because those are the obstacles that will prove themselves to be nothing more than life lessons that you will be able to obtain knowledge from in your future.

I confess, I am a growing man who is in Love with a growing woman, who is also clear about his intentions of wanting her to be a part of his life to a degree in which could prove to be beneficial in an equal manner for her sake, as well as for his. However, due to the progressions of time, circumstances of events have proven themselves to be challenging. I am battling for the Love of a woman who is clinched onto another who she still holds dear; who she feels is worthy of her Love. As much as I would want to spend my time and energy getting you to realize that I am the ‘better man’ for you, I am growing restless.  I have given my all to you over and over again, but somehow due to your emotions being occupied, I am not being compensated equally with the Love and affection that I have provided for you. This may present itself in some form of egoism, if so, I am ready and willing to take all of the blame. Know that as long as God allows me to breath in and out, I will exhaust all of my options in showing you just how much I truly Love you.

 At this point, if my words haven’t had any influence on your emotions, I would rather you not even acknowledge my affections for you. Although, if what I have given you has provoked your feelings for me in any way, I am truly grateful to God. I am not asking for a relationship to be set up between us in the ‘nick of time’, I am simply asking for you to just consider my Love for you. If a relationship reveals itself to us as result of the patience of time, then we shall engage ourselves within its graciousness. I would Love to be the one who compliments your life! However, with that, an equal effort would have to be given. You would have to be willing to participate in a loyal and faithful manner, so that our pledge to one another can be one that others will be able to admire and emulate.

Fuck Monogamy

Many relationships meet a premature demise due to infidelity.

Most people will be cheated on or will cheat at some point in their lives. This is a sad reality. While men are more likely to cheat, women cheat as well. Female infidelity is becoming more and more common.

We always want to know why people cheat. Why step outside of your relationship? Why risk everything for one moment? Oh, you thought I was going to answer these questions? I wouldn’t dare attempt to account for every cheater that ever cheated. I addressed my own reasons for cheating in The Promiscuous Bisexual. I’m more curious as to why people set themselves up to cheat. Why commit to someone if you know you’re not ready to abide by the rules of that relationship? Why agree to be monogamous if you don’t believe in monogamy?

The heart break that comes along with an unfaithful partner or repeated unfaithful partners will always be incredibly tough to deal with. Being a victim of infidelity often results in tremendous trust issues.

(I’m going to use male references and pronouns throughout this piece. That does not mean that cheating isn’t common in bi- and homosexual relationships. )

I’ve been cheated on more times than I can actually bear to recall. I’ve been on the slighted side in almost all of my relationships.  I didn’t blame myself for their cheating, but I blamed myself for believing in the fairy tales. As girls, we’re often taught about the knight in shining armor, the prince that will sweep you off your feet, or this idealistic male figure who you will fall in love with. Our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts often keep their stories of being cheated on, and even abused, secret until we’re adults having had experienced it for ourselves. They don’t sit us down as young girls or young ladies and teach us that some men cheat. They prepare us for breasts and periods, but they don’t prepare us for infidelity. Grandma doesn’t tell us that Grandpa had three mistresses throughout their marriage. Mommy doesn’t admit that Daddy has a side-piece, still. We eventually come to find this out the hard way. We fall pray to the smiling man, the shiny man, that man that makes us feel amazing. And when that shiny, pretty man cheats on us, we’re stuck. What happened? Why me? What did I do? What am I supposed to do? And failed relationship, after failed relationship we begin to lose hope in that ideal mate. We begin to lose hope that there will be someone out there who won’t cheat on me, because it seems everyone does it. Everyone doesn’t do it.

 As a reformed cheater, I can admit that I wish that I hadn’t fallen for temptation and had been able to respect my relationship. I wanted what I wanted, but what I wanted was not to hurt my partner(s). It’s just difficult to be honest about certain things, such as admitting to wanting to sexually experience another person. Most people won’t respond to that statement positively.  

Society has taught us that monogamy is the norm. We’re supposed to be monogamous; one man for one woman. Most of us follow what society deems as normal. So when I tell you I’m in an open relationship, eyebrows are going to shoot up all around cyber-space. I’ve heard it all already, so don’t feel discouraged to leave your comments and your thoughts below.  Biological evidence supports the theory that long-term monogamy is difficult for humans to achieve – NOT impossible, but difficult. It takes a very strong-willed and dedicated person to remain not only socially monogamous, but sexually monogamous as well. And for those of you out there, who are long-term monogamous? I certainly tip my hat off to you.

I don’t feel any pressure to conform what society says is right for my relationship. I’m so happy and grateful to have been able to meet someone who believes what I believe and is willing to give it a try. My feelings toward social monogamy are complicated. I would like to commit my heart to one person. Sexually? I don’t understand why I must only sleep with that one person. Not abiding my sexual monogamy doesn’t mean be a slut or a STI bucket. Do NOT think that’s what I’m promoting. But we’re adults. And we’re humans. The odds are that we’re going to be sexually attracted to plenty of people in our lifetime. So why is it that terrible to want to experience them? If you’re disrespecting your partner or your relationship, why is it “wrong”?

Being in an open-relationship isn’t about having a free pass to screw whomever. It’s an agreement between you and your partner to honor your relationship, and to abide by the rules that you two set for your relationship. For us, cheating is breaking any of the rules that we have set for each other. Honesty is the number one rule. If we discuss and agree that I can have another partner, I’m not cheating. If I go behind my partner’s back and sleep with someone, now I am. I violated the honor code between us.

It’s not for everyone, just as threesomes aren’t for everyone. You two need to be clear about what is and isn’t okay. You two need to maintain an open and honest decorum with each other. You two need to be the primary focus. Your relationship needs to be intact before you even consider sleeping with someone else, or if you two agree on it, dating someone else.

I’m always amused by the reactions, and mostly by the judgments. I’m mostly amused by the judgments of people who are in unhappy relationships, and have no idea where the partner is or has been. Why are the people with the house of hay the first to blow? If you’re happy in your situation, good for you, be happy for mine. If you’re not happy in your situation work on that, and let that be the focal point of your energy. It’s amazing the things that people will say on a topic that they have know first-hand knowledge of. I’ve been told I’m crazy, I’ve been told there isn’t any way that my partner truly loves me for my partner to be okay with me sleeping with other people. Interesting how they attacked my partner for this, but not me for being okay with my partner sleeping with other people. This is a mutual decision between the two of us. I don’t think I’m loved any less because this is how we live. If anything, I feel loved more, cherished more, because my happiness matters. I’m not expected to conform to some bullshit ideal of what it means to be faithful. I’m faithful because my heart belongs to my partner. I’m faithful because I maintain my relationship and that’s my first priority. I’m faithful because I respect my partner and my relationship.  But, you know, I understand that it’s difficult to accept new things. I understand it’s difficult to rewire your mind to believe something different than what you’ve been spoon-fed forever. I’ll let you guys swallow this. I won’t even talk about the time I tried to have a polyamorous relationship with my ex-girlfriend and boyfriend.

There is no book that was written centuries ago that has the rules for relationships. There is also not a book that was written centuries ago with standards for what is considered cheating.  So, in my opinion, it stands to reason that following some predetermined idea of what cheating is and bringing that into your unique relationship is a bad idea to begin with.

Most people don’t sit down prior to taking that next step into being serious, to discuss what their definition of cheating is. It seems a lot of people just go by what society says. Guess what? Society isn’t in your relationship. Society also is not going to fix it when things go awry. So why depend on society to tell you how to exist within your relationship?

For some cheating is purely physical, while for others cheating can include the emotional. If you and your partner aren’t clear about what’s cheating, how will you know if you’re cheating? How will you know if you’re wrong? You won’t. You won’t know until it’s too late. Have that discussion. If you’re already together have it now.

According to David Barash, “Anthropologists report that the overwhelming majority of human societies either are polygynous or were polygynous prior to the cultural homogenization of recent decades.” So I ask you, why do you think that monogamy is the way? Why do you think the way you do about relationships?  What is cheating to you?

My Definition of “Love”

Love is the most transcendent representation of absolute satisfaction between two people that is often overlooked as nothing more than an extracurricular activity to add to the normal operations of everyday life. Allowing yourself to submit to Love’s embrace surrounds the heart with the greatest comfort ever to be experienced by the human being. Like that of an eclipse, the Mind, Body, and Soul align themselves, within, creating the most powerful display of emotions that can only be understood through the expression “I Love You”.

 

Bisexual: Fad or Lifestyle

 

Although we are seeing an influx in ladies claiming to be bisexual, there are still plenty of people out there who don’t believe in bisexuality. It is true that bisexuality has become a fad, that can’t be denied. Plenty of ladies get a few drinks and now their best friend looks sexy and woops!!! They’re making out on a dance floor. Now, as a lady who loves ladies, I don’t mind watching. I don’t mind the bi-curious ladies out there at all.  If it makes you happy, by all means. I’ll grab the popcorn, a seat and enjoy the show. After all, that’s all it is. You’re not going to begin dating her. You’re not going to develop a relationship with her. You’re not going to fall in love with her. You’re just going to make out when you’re drunk. And if you’re really intoxicated, you might even go all the way. But that’s all. There will be no real connection or commitment. Just fun.

I can’t speak for every lesbian or bisexual women and say that bi-curious females are accepted by us all. I can only speak for myself. The drunk best friends putting on a show in the club do NOT reflect me.  I just happen to know a lot of gold star lesbians who are disturbed by this and other bisexual women. They tend to feel like they make a mockery of this lifestyle. They feel that it’s a game. Meanwhile, there are lesbians and bisexual women who are fighting to be taken seriously. A lot of people don’t believe that there are lesbians who have NEVER had sex with men, but that’s another post for another time.

There is nothing more irritating and pathetic than a man trying to convince me that I’m not bisexual. Who are you to tell me? The reality is, you just have a difficult time accepting the fact that I wouldn’t sleep with you with a rented vagina, but your sister? Oh, she could get seven days a week and twice on Sunday.

I’m curious as to why it’s so hard to believe that a woman could genuinely enjoy both men and women? Why must it be considered being confused? There isn’t any confusion about it. I am attracted to both men and women. I have been in relationships with both men and women. I have been in love with both men and women. Shit, I’ve been engaged to both a man and woman. No confusion. Sure, I’m more attracted to females. That doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. I couldn’t lie to myself and say, “Nope, penis does not do it for me.” I couldn’t. I’ve learned to be honest with myself. It’s not about what other people think. I love the smell, the feel, and the taste of a woman. And I love the smell, the feel, and the strength of a man. I love performing oral sex on a woman just as much as I enjoy performing oral sex on a man. No confusion. I don’t suck dick and then afterward feel some sort of internal conflict. I don’t give a lady oral sex until she climaxes and then cower in a corner cursing God for this confusion. I am bisexual. I’m not confused. I’m not experimenting.

I actually didn’t have a phase of experimentation. I recall being as young as 8 and being attracted to the older girls in the neighborhood. I never felt ashamed or embarrassed. I didn’t go around grabbing breasts and smacking asses, either. I shared my ‘secret’ with my closest friends, and that was that. I had my first girlfriend by 15, second by 17. It was with the second that I had my first sexual encounter. It was EVERYTHING I imagined. I wasn’t one bit nervous or hesitant. I couldn’t wait until I got her clothes off and saw her body. I actually had to consciously calm myself down because I was so excited. I had absolutely no hesitation about going down on her. I wanted to. I needed to. And i did. It was amazing. I loved the way she gasped when my tongue first touched her. I loved the way she rotated her hips to find her own rhythm. I loved the way she smelled and the way she tasted. I loved feeling her tightness and warmth around my index finger. I was her first (female sexual partner). She was mine. You wouldn’t know by watching me though. I can honestly close my eyes and remember everything about those two hours. Two hours??!! Yes! Oh, the joys of sex with females. It’s not over as soon as someone reaches orgasm.

I never truly questioned my sexuality. I never probed deeper. I accepted myself from the beginning. And I acknowledged my sexual preferences and left it at that. I never had a coming out process, because I never actually hid my sexuality. You don’t have to broadcast your sexuality to be “out”. I’ve also never claimed to be straight or gay. I don’t want represent something that I am not. I don’t want to take away from the lesbian experience.  I support it 110%. I just didn’t face many struggles that a lot have.

I also don’t want to be mistaken as straight. So sir, when I say I’m not interested- I’m NOT interested. When you discover that I am also attracted to women that does NOT mean  I want to have a threesome with you or have sex with a woman in front of you. When you discover that I am also attracted to women do NOT tell me that I’m confused. Do NOT tell me that I just haven’t had the right dick. I’ve had my share of dick and some of it has been mind-blowing. But that doesn’t take away my desire to be with a women. It doesn’t take away my attraction of women. It doesn’t make up for the taste, smell and feel of a women. Never can. For me, the two sexual experiences can not be compared.

I’m not confused. I’m bisexual. There’s a difference.