An Adventure as Her: Until That Night

To feel a gaping hole within you and to not know why it exists is a painful and troubling sensation. You can’t put your finger on it and you can’t quite find the peg that fits.  You just feel it. You recognize it. But you cannot fix it.

That’s Him. He’s that peg.

He represents a solution to a problem that I wasn’t even sure that I had. I didn’t know that I needed Him. I didn’t even know that I wanted Him, until that night. There was something. I couldn’t just leave it alone. Sure we talked and joked. Sure I didn’t think much of it or Him, until that night. The magnetic energy that existed between us couldn’t be ignored.

I wasn’t expecting anything other than a meeting in passing, a hello, and a face to a name. There was so much more, though I wouldn’t fully recognize it until much later.

We hugged and it was electric. I don’t tend to give much attention to a physical attraction. I thought it was just another ‘thing’ that might grow into another fling. Oh, it grew alright.

We continued to talk after That Night and something began to happen. Tattered wrapping paper was ripped away. Chipped paint was scraped away. He saw something in me that I saw hints of but didn’t nurture. He also saw something in me that, to this day, I don’t see.

As it stands, I feel something towards this man that I’ve never felt for another. I feel something that I thought that I might possibly want if it ever presented itself. He brings a peace to me that I never thought that I’d feel. I feel this inexplicable desire to serve Him. Absolutely nothing about this and us makes sense to me.

I am a control freak. I am over-analytical. I am strong. I am tough (as He says), I am stubborn and I am hardheaded. I am attached and so is He. So why on earth would I feel this indescribable need to please Him and not disappoint Him? I question it within myself but when He puts his foot down, I abide. I listen. I obey.

I rack my brain trying to understand this but I am coming to realize that this just doesn’t make sense. I am also realizing that even though this doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t change how this makes me feel. It doesn’t change how He makes me feel.

Over the years I have found myself in situations where I’ve peeled back a layer or few, but I’ve never allowed myself to be completely naked with anyone. I’ve never bared it all. It’s a terrifying prospect. But He makes me feel incredibly safe. I trust that He’ll never abuse this trust that I’ve instilled in Him. I’ve always had to be “tough”. I’ve always had to be guarded. While I’ve let down the armor enough to let people in some, I’ve never let it all go. And something in me wants that.

It’s an immense pressure to be in control all of the time. Not just in control of things, but to be in control of yourself, your thoughts and your emotions. But something within me is clinging to this Man and I want to bare it all for Him.

What He’s done is create a safe space for me and He wants me to bare it all. He wants me to trust in Him and depend on Him. He welcomes this with no expectations from me other than to listen to his guidance and obey his commands. I can only wonder if this lack of expectation is a result of our respective attachments and responsibilities.

Initially, I didn’t want anything from Him other than to experience Him physically. Remember that I felt this electric sexual energy between us upon our first meeting. That’s as far as I could see. But somewhere along the lines of subtle hints and cues, we found that we were both seeking something more. Whether or not we both knew this is a different story.

Our first tryst happened so organically that I’m still blown away. There were no instructions, no directions, and no cues. He just came in and executed everything that I wanted and needed. He’s always been attentive. So attentive that it surprised me. After that night, I felt like a conversation was in order. This just didn’t make any sense to me.  He was everything that I could want and I didn’t even have to ask? What is going on??

I recall asking Him if the monster was slumbering or if He was waiting around the corner. He said something about taking note of what I said and how I said things. Who knew that subconsciously I was beckoning Him to take me and own me? I didn’t.

And now it stands, this Man has expressed an interest in collaring me and I have expressed a need for Him to collar me. I can’t begin to describe how I feel beyond conflicted, confused, excited, cared for and needed. I never knew just how important this sort of relationship is to me. Then again, I’ve never had the space to explore it with anyone. And the truth of the matter is that I couldn’t have imagined exploring it with anyone better. He’s established that I can trust Him, we’ve fostered a trust between us and He constantly reassures me and soothes any possible concerns.

Thus far, He’s always been strong and assertive, in control and protective and most of all careful in how He handles me. I didn’t see any of this coming. I thought it was something that would have to be suppressed. Then He came along and is slowly pulling me out of my shell and has provided me with an opportunity to bare it all.

I want to bare it all. I want to give myself to Him. I trust that I can.

I can’t ignore all of the other factors that play into this but even still, absolutely nothing about this with Him brings me to feel uneasy, unsure, anxious or fearful. I have never in my life felt as safe as I do with Him. Again, this makes no sense to me.

But at this point in my life, I don’t want this to make sense. I want this to be. I want us to be. In whatever capacity our situations allow.

At any other point in my life I’d hate to admit it but here I am, proud to exclaim, not only do I want Him but also I need Him. The thing is, I just didn’t know that I did.

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An Adventure as Her: When Sparks Fly

I think the idea of newness as it pertains to relationships is something that isn’t discussed too openly. I mean, I guess I can understand why, but that doesn’t change how I feel about it. There’s nothing quite like a first kiss.  There’s nothing quite like that anticipation or the sparks you feel when you first experience another person.

I’ve shared with you all that I’m in an open relationship. I’ve also shared that I was a butterfly chaser. Meaning, I’ve jeopardized and eventually lost many relationships because the sparks fizzled out and I needed that newness. I needed those feelings again. I needed to feel that anxiety, that excitement, that wonder. I never figured out how to recapture those feelings, so I’d chase them. Lord knows how many otherwise incredible situations I’ve walked away from because of this. Fortunately, my partner and I are in a relationship that enables me to still chase those butterflies without sacrificing what we have.

 We’ve been together for several years now and I have only recently taken advantage of the fact that we’re open. That actually surprised the hell out of me. But I think that just goes to show you that monogamy is a choice. For years I chose to only be with him and experience him. There wasn’t that pressure that comes with the expectation of remaining faithful. I made the choice to remain faithful because I wanted to, not because I was expected to.

 I’ve kissed two people in the time that we’ve been together that weren’t my partner (with the exception of the third in a threesome we had). Only one of those kisses have led to something more, as of now. God, those sparks are incredible; that rush, that lust!

 I kissed her last fall and I can still remember how her soft lips felt pressed against mine. I can still remember how sweet her tongue was. I was hesitant but she wasn’t. She grabbed me by my waist and pulled me closer to her. I ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her back hard. There were eyes on us but at that moment I didn’t care, I couldn’t care. We were melting into each other and it just didn’t matter that we were in the middle of this hotel lobby with hundreds of people around us. We could have and should have gone back to my hotel room but we didn’t. And now I’m counting down until I can see her again, kiss her again and experience her. We’ve been talking about this for almost a year; it’s time to stop talking. The way I feel about her is no secret. She’s incredible and each time I see her body… I can’t wait until we can finish what we’ve started.

Some rights reserved by ChrisGoldNY

 I kissed him a bit more recently. I noticed him a while ago but I don’t think he noticed me. Nothing came of it but I remembered him. We ran into each other again. When I’ve discussed this experience before I’ve made a point each time to make sure that I explain that I was pretty damn drunk. But I’m changing the story. I mean, I was, but I’m not blaming it and I’m not hiding behind it. It’s a part of the story but that was certainly not the catalyst. Even when I discussed what happened with him, I told him that that embarrassed me. Since then, the embarrassment has passed. Now, I keep replaying that night over and over. Walking down a Manhattan street being pushed up against a fence by large hands, my face being held as he kissed me. More soft lips, God his lips were so soft. I can’t remember what we talked about and what we laughed about, but I remember how his kisses tasted. I remember how weak my knees felt when I pulled away to catch my breath. We found ourselves carving out some privacy in a very public space. I’m sure there were wandering eyes and listening ears but that didn’t matter. I’m sure we were making noise but that didn’t matter. It felt amazing. We touched and tasted each other across boroughs and yet, we still have unfinished business.

 At one point, I thought it was wrong of me to chase butterflies. Now I know it’s not the butterfly chasing that was wrong, it’s the jeopardizing of a good thing for a temporary feeling in a fleeting moment. I’m in a different space and now that I’m in a different type of relationship, I have found myself taking a stronger grip on the reigns of my sexuality. I am so incredibly in love with my partner, our relationship is the best that it’s ever been. I’m also ready to allow myself to explore people outside of our relationship because I feel secure enough in what our relationship is now.

 With that said, I have some loose ends to tie up (and possibly untie so that I can retie them) and I’m definitely looking forward to that.

To Her Heart…..

 

To Her Heart,

 I am so in Love with you that I can only display my affection for you emotionally. I want to do so much for you that it would take further than forever for me to fulfill those obligations to you. I want to be that fourth inspiration within your life (with the exception of God, and your two beautiful children) that you can depend on for Love, happiness, security, and inspiration. Although our first attempt at a relationship was not suitable to your life at the time, I strongly believe that it was a wonderful introduction to something that is able to shine brighter than one’s eye could see…if given the chance.  

Recently, you’ve allowed an addiction to play a role in your life, and I know that you know that death by carelessness will not help you to become all that you aspire to be in life. Baby, allow me to be your addiction! I want you to be so addicted to me, that you decrease your chances of damaging that beautiful body, and increase your possibilities of becoming more than a successful example for your children to idolize. Please understand, I am not asking for you to become solely reliant on me. No! I am asking you to step outside of your hindering ways and allow me to be the provider for you that will never, ever let you down; the provider that will openly and honestly supply you with everything that you may be in need of outside of your own independence.

I am willing to take any amount of baggage from your situation that may be weighing on you, place it on my back, and carry it so far away from you; causing you never having to use your past as an excuse as to why you “can’t”, when you know in your heart that “you can”. I know that you still Love me. You’ve expressed that! However, I truly would like you to profess those words, if in fact you accept those words in your heart to be true. Since your departure from me some time ago, I have devoted myself to a mission to find Love and submit to its embrace. I refuse to settle for anyone who isn’t willing to give their all. Now, I am more mature. I am more aware. And I am more deserving of the things that I felt that wasn’t worth in the past.

These words don’t explain all of how I feel about you; I’ve shown you. My word is my bond; I’ve proved that to you. I could care less about what you think others think about you, my foremost concern is what I can do for you. I’ve acknowledged that! Ultimately, my motives, in which I write these words to you are, one, to tell you what exactly has been going through my mind since connecting with you again. And, two, to find out if a second opportunity awaits us to be together again. If there is a second chance at a you and I, give pleasure to my expectations. If you feel that your life is able to thrive comfortably without my involvement, please allow me that clarity. As always, the decision that you choose will not take away from the Love that my heart holds for you…..I Love You.

 ~ From His Heart      

I’m his…Um… Wait, what am I again?

You met him and his looks immediately caught your attention. You two sat and talked for hours about everything. He made you laugh and he made you think. He asked about your past and your future. He was genuinely interested in you. Some time later, you two take it to the next step and experience each other sexually. You know he’s the kind you want to stick around. He makes your toes curl, he exposes you to new things and he listens to you. He respects you. He dotes on you. He seems like he could be the one.

Then one night you guys have a conversation and he makes a statement that gives you pause. “I don’t believe in titles.” He says it in passing and doesn’t realize that your eyes have doubled in size, and your mouth is fixed to ask, “what do you mean you ‘don’t believe in titles?’” After all, for you a title means a lot. A title means he cares enough about me to categorize me. He’s letting the world know I’m his. He’s staking his claim. He’s….making you sound like an object.

Is this title thing a deal breaker for you?

Entirely too many women are hung up on this idealistic nonsense that a title equates to something more. A title is nothing more than a word, a label, a category. And some of you are so thirsty that if he tosses you a title, even “wifey”, you feel grateful. When did wifey become an acceptable role to aspire to? It was made up to pacify women in the role of long-term girlfriend and not moving towards w-i-f-e. Some women are excited to be called a wifey. Can you define what it is to be a wifey?  Would you encourage your daughter and tell her one day she too might be a wifey? I’ll be damned.

For some of you, you believe that if you don’t have a title, if you can’t define what you are, something is wrong. I urge you to think about why you feel you need a title? Why do you feel that you need to define what you two have? Is it for you? Or so it’s easier to explain to others? Or is it like monogamy, you’re just living up to societal expectations?

If you believe that a title guarantees you anything, you’re delusional. Nothing is guaranteed in life except for death. If you believe that because he calls you his girlfriend, that’s enough to keep him in line or treat you right, you’re delusional. If you believe that because you are called his wifey, that’s guaranteed placement above side chick one and two, you’re delusional.

There is nothing about a title that can assure you fidelity, respect, and love. Nothing. And it’s time that you open your eyes and begin to realize that. It’s the character of your partner, what s/he believes in and what s/he values and what you allow, that will determine how s/he will treat you. Not what s/he calls you.

If you’re hung up on titles, and easily pacified by simply having one, you put yourself in a potentially harmful situation. If he knows that title is what keeps your around, he will use that his advantage. If I don’t do right, I can always remind her, “You’re my girl. You know what that means.” And you should be wise enough to say, “no, I don’t, show me.” Because it’s not the words that matter, it’s the consistency in the actions. Consistency is the keyword.

I pray for all of my sisters who believe that a title, a noun, can ensure commitment and respect and all of the things we want in our relationships. Because the sad reality is, it can’t and it won’t. It’s not the noun that should matter, it’s nothing more than a sticker that can be peeled off of you and placed on someone else. What should matter is the content of your character and the content of your partner’s character. What should matter is how you treat your partner and how your partner treats you. If you’re called a girlfriend, and he treats you like shit, that’s okay because at least you have a title. At least you know you’re the girlfriend. What?! In what world? You need your partner’s feet to line up with his/her mouth. You should be more concerned about the adjective, and not the nouns. You should be more concerned with whether your partner is honest, caring, loving, forgiving, honest, nurturing, respectful, a provider, etc. And he should be more concerned if you’re the things that he needs. It should not matter if he calls you his girlfriend or his popsicle stick. Just words. Since when do words mean more than actions. They don’t amount to much individually, but they can mean the world together.

Take the focus away from what doesn’t matter in the long run. Place that energy into nurturing whatever it is that you two have. Don’t get hung up on the small, insignificant things and forget to take care of each other. It’s not about what he calls you or what you call him, it’s about how you feel, it’s about how he treats you, and it’s about where you two are going together.

Does it really matter what he calls you or what you call him? Does a lack of a title truly indicate he loves you less? Or is your need for a title just a sign of insecurity?

Monologue of a Messed-Up Man

I can’t say sorry enough for what I’ve done and I’ve changed too many times to count…without changing at all, but just give me a minute to explain and I’ll be out of your life for good. You see, I was trying to be the man you needed me to be, but couldn’t be the man I wanted to be at the same time. So, the times I had to choose between your needs and my wants, I chose me every time. Because that’s the type of selfish son-of-a-bitch I am.

Yeah you felt bad and I felt nothing and we felt like it would all correct itself in due time or I would say sorry and change (again) for more than a few days this time and really care for your heart like I promised to on that night we held hands and I looked into your eyes and lied to you. Yes, I admit it, I lied. Not about loving you or protecting your heart. But I lied about putting you first always, because I didn’t realize at the time it would be so much work. Damn, was it my job to carry a list of your insecurities in my wallet at all times?

Managing your esteem issues became more work than my job and our relationship became less fun than it already was. So I spent more time running the streets than walking towards forever with you. You were suspicious from the first time I was out of your sight, but you probably pushed me into the beds of other women or a three-hour short stay, because I needed an escape for you, without breaking up with you. At least that’s what I convinced myself.

Years later you’re still trying to find who these women are or the reasons they were, steady picking through my faults and still neglecting your issues. See how I make this your fault? Just like the many fights that gave me an opening to spend hundreds of dollars at the strip club before spending $45  at the first place that looked like it had clean sheets so I could spend time with the first woman that answered my “Are you sleep?” text. But I refused to spend time or a dime on you, because I was unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave. I wanted you to do the dirty work for me, but you believed in me when I didn’t give a damn about us and forgot that I actually loved you.

Sure, I loved you. I don’t know how or why. The reasons I loved you weren’t tangible, they had to be unearthed and I didn’t possess the tools to dig them up at the time. Wait, maybe I did, but didn’t feel like you were worth it. At least not to me. So after years of the lies and broken promises of change, I moved on and left you standing still picking up the pieces and wiping away tears to become a bitter version of the sweet you I used to know.

I caused that and now I’m saying sorry one more time, but we stopped counting those years ago, long after we stopped trying to determine why we were still together. There was no answer then and no answer now, just the memories of the lies and the broken promises and a shadow of what used to be you and me better known as us to those who didn’t know any better. I’m not trying to peel away your scabs, I just wanted to finally close the door on what was our relationship and finally tell you the truth…I’m sorry.

So Far To Go: 10 Tips On How To Keep Your Boo

Get your notepads ladies...

 

Speaking from a man’s perspective, there’s nothing worse than going into the grocery store and seeing a bunch of Women’s magazines with ideas, tips, or secrets on how to keep a man, especially when the author is some chick that probably hasn’t had a date since the beginning of the recession. As far as this “love thing” goes, I consider myself an expert in amore. It is one of the most fulfilling experiences your soul will ever produce and many of us will fall victim to a myriad of emotions that has nothing to do with love’s essence.

Many of my close friends happen to be women and by relating to their flaws and beauty gives me a clearer understanding of their dynamics. I was raised by my mother and surrounded by aunts,cousins,daughters,and an array of lovers. Some of these women that I love so deeply, are repeating the same cycle and expecting different results. The desire to control the geographical landscape of a relationship; have left many women mentally and emotionally exhausted. Many women love men they can control and hate him when he cannot lead.

I am eager to hear your feedback and encourage you to share this blog post with your friends and co-workers. I expect some of my views and opinions to be dissected and contested from women that are searching for answers in their love lives. I’m also considering writing a book and hope that these tips are met with an open mind. *Smooches* ~Krusher

10 TIPS ON HOW TO KEEP YOUR BOO

Tip #1 Stop the Nagging: I cannot express this tip enough, if you keep nagging a brother you will definitely run him to the streets and into the arms of a woman who doesn’t.

Tip#2Compliment Him: Many men will never tell you that he likes compliments just as much as you do. Don’t be surprised if he looks at you real suspect the moment you tell him that his ass should model.

Tip#3Listen and Shut the Hell Up: Hate to be blunt but its true, most men will shut down if he feel that he cannot trust you with his thoughts and feelings. Some brothers will rather spend half his check in a sweaty strip club and pay a half-naked woman who is willing to listen and get paid  doing it.

Tip#4Stop bringing up the past: There’s nothing worse than being married or in a long-term relationship for almost a decade and some change and she decides to stab you with the chest with an indiscretion from the 20th century. If you tend to gravitate to this form of mediocrity than be prepared for a love meltdown eventually.

Tip#5Encourage him: If a brother is trying to find a job to keep himself from hugging the block and going back to prison; the last thing he needs is for you to be selfish and ignore his plight. Being a black man is the world’s most dangerous occupation in the world.

Tip#6Pray Together: In a time of economic despair and spiritual unrest, prayer is the answer to life’s day to day challenges. Revealing this virtue to your man is a priceless in his eyes and heart. Remember “a family that prays together stays together”.

Tip #7Be Adventurous: Don’t get all angry because your man has that secret stash of porn in the closet in the old Nike boxes. Yes, men are visual creatures and you cannot change how God wired us. Do us a favor and change your swag, be spontaneous. Men don’t care where you take his dick out, so be creative.

Tip #8Forgive Him: You might think by holding a grudge you are making him pay and in fact you are allowing him to feel even worse about his grievance and in the future he will stick to lying instead of being honest like you often ask him for.

Tip #9Give Him Space: If a brother comes home from work and the first thing he does is head to the fridge to grab a beer that doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. If he likes to unwind while watching the game what harm is he causing? Why should you be the only one that requires space? If he has a man cave, leave him there.

Tip #10Don’t Worry, Be Happy: Have you ever wondered why some men are attracted to younger women? No it isn’t always about their bodies all of the time ladies. We love their easy-going personalities and enthusiasm. Combine that with a dash of smiles and giggles you can best believe that he is going to find her attractive. So lose the attitude before you lose your boo.

Bonus Tips:

  • Never divulge your sexual details to friends. I can’t express this one enough, due to the fact that you women absolutely enjoy challenges. I know the juicy tidbits from your bestie has your clit throbbing for her thug, however would you feel the same way if the tables were turned?
  • Keep family out of your business. Unless it involves domestic,sexual, and mental abuse. If you decide to remain loyal to a man who commits these atrocities, you are already dead. Family will always remains biased and loyal to your emotions at the moment of despair.

Te Amo Mucho!

Krusher Kronkite 

The Love Czar

http://www.mediaanarchist.wordpress.com

twitter.com/KrusherKronkite

A Message For My Brothers

Peace brothers. This blog is dedicated you. I know what it feels like to be thrown into the eye of the storm and left for dead. Our hearts remain rigid from the contempt towards the woman we share the most fragile components of our lives. Obscenities and objects are hurled across the room as  children scurry for safety in the fortress of their closets and bedrooms. Brothers, I share your pain of putting all that you have into a relationship only to wind up feeling empty inside and alone. What most women fail to realize is that we both share the same principles regarding love and they often ignore them caught in their selfish pursuits.

I’ve sat in anger management classes, patrol cars, county jails and courtrooms over this so-called love shit bruh. It just doesn’t get any realer than that. I strongly feel that we deserve better and we need reevaluate our lives and the women we claim to love. It doesn’t make sense to continue pillaging clubs and bars to find wifey and  mother of our children. In 2010 pussy just doesn’t cut it for me fellas. If I had a dollar for every broad that I fucked , I could have retired by now. Our destiny must exist beyond our trousers and we must examine the reason why we keep denying ourselves the privilege of loving ourselves first.

This cycle of self-flagellation in our relationships has left us numb and driven some to the most horrific acts of desperation and anger. I’ve personally lost friends that didn’t think life was worth living without her and decided to take their own instead. Today our images are reduced to drug traffickers, gangster rappers, immature athletes, and  glamorized  effeminate minstrels. We live in a society that still despises us regardless of the fact that a fellow brother resides in the White House.

Our vision for our future must be bigger than our dicks and oversized egos. We must rid ourselves of the behavior that continues to portray us as breeders and useless eaters. There is nothing wrong with being alone and possessing the power to turn down ass at will. In fact it makes a man even more desirable to a woman who can display restraint. Living as a single parent, I am constantly aware of the female company that I keep and introduce to my daughter especially since her own mother isn’t present in her life.

Most often we are caught in the matrix of chaos and emotions from women that have no plans to rise higher than their drama filled existence. We must look past the facade behind the pretty face and examine the components of her character. Through my testosterone induced haze, I have foolishly placed myself in detrimental situations over the course of my life not even realizing my true value. Why do we continue doing the same thing and expecting different results?

If a woman can kneel on her knees to give you head; she should also be able to kneel beside you in prayer to help strengthen you. I give props to all my brothers out there who are making it despite the odds against you. I would like for you to understand your role in this universe. Take the time to dust off your Bible and read about the many great men God blessed that lived troubled lives(David,Job,Moses, etc) and inspired generations.

I can’t thank you enough for your efforts. As long as I roam the planet, I will give you the highest respect wherever we meet. We all we got. Learn to have higher standards and you will find true love. It lies within you and she will reflect your divine light. I would like to give a shout out to Quahiem the Monster for reaching out to a fellow brother that happens to have tons of info on love and relationships, so fuck Steve Harvey. Media Anarchy World War III Domination “Coming Soon”!

Krusher Kronkite

Gangster of Love

I Wish I Never Met Her at All

It was the eyes. No, it was the circumstance. Nah, it was those damn eyes. That’s all I heard about until I met you. They told me the new girl was pretty, but they all spoke of her were her eyes. So when we were finally introduced, all I could do is stare into those green eyes. Yeah, I was caught up in your eyes as well, but pretty soon became totally consumed by you, until you dropped the bomb on me and told me that you were damn near married with a kid. I stepped off, all interest left my body, and every thought of you left my mind.

But it’s funny what time and space does to a man, each time I saw you that interest meter climbed a little and the flirting started, a little on my end, a lot on yours. More from me, those eyes from you and then the texting started. Turns out your happily ever after had become a daily disaster and I represented an escape for a few moments a day to clear your mind. Yeah, we flirted despite the danger and got closer in spite of the restrictions, but thought we were playing it cool. Everyone around us could see what was going to happen even though we denied there was anything between us, I guess they saw the truth between the lies we told ourselves, because a trip to the movies and a few shots of vodka led to us rolling around on the floor naked.

Damn, maybe I skipped a few months…

I was a cheater, turns out that you were too and your man wasn’t handling his business at home, nor in your bedroom, so you sought me for counsel. He had already moved out and you moved on, while my girlfriend held on and I just played it loose. Being six inches from your eyes after six shots of vodka made me wonder what your lips would feel like against mine, so I tested them and tasted you. Your daily disasters became my news feed and I became more than your escape, I started to appear to be your destination. But, someone had planted their flag for me already and you had baggage that I wasn’t equipped to deal live with, but that didn’t stop Friday afternoons from being the perfect opportunities to catch matinees, have drinks or see each other naked.

Those eyes…

They told me then that you wanted more and would get it by any means, but calling to tell me you were pregnant two weeks later wasn’t what I anticipated, just wasn’t what I expected you to say two days after Christmas. Before my mind could even journey to the natural thoughts of a man when he receives this call, you had volunteered an abortion and I didn’t object, just continued with my day. So, I took a few step back from your eyes, maybe because I thought they lied to me or maybe because I felt you wanted more than I would ever give you. However, we were back at our favorite seats in the theater, back on those bar stools, you were back in my bed, I was back in your life and we were back at square one. Except it was different this time, I was single, you were single, but you wanted it all. Nah, I wasn’t trying to give anyone that much of me, but we kept flirting with that danger. We pushed and pulled, bumped and grind, butted heads until you drew your line in the sand after another pregnancy scare.

Turns out that you were looking to be loved all of the time, that you wanted to be married, you wanted more kids. I suppose that wasn’t high on our list of topics during our coversations or I simply ignored your overtures. Because you found love in Jamaica and gave me an opportunity to tell you that I loved you and wanted you to be mine, but I didn’t. Wait, I did. I wanted you, I didn’t want you as a mother and attached to your baby father, I wanted what we had all of the time, so I had no problem telling you to follow what made you happy. Turns out what made you happy one last time was frolicking through my apartment hours before the flight that carried you to your waiting husband.

And now you’re his misses with a son that has no resemblance to me at all, regardless of what people thought and a time frame that certainly fit. I don’t think about you much anymore, but when I hear from you, the thoughts of your eyes reappear and I wish I never met you at all…